Hospice patient. Real Time. Real World. UPDATE: Noslot Gained His Wings Last Night. pg 11

Thank you.



I think peoples memory of us will change like the hour glass. Heck I never think about my uncle who died when I was young. Mention his name and yes there is a fleeting memory, but for the most part I never think about those who died as I was growing up. I have no reason to believe the memories of me will be any different. Its moments like this that teach humility. My family will keep memories of me and I suspect they will all be a bit different. I will for a time live in them as a husband, father, grandfather, friend, acquaintance, etc. And then the world turns and a new generation begins again.

Thank you guys for your comments. I am truly enjoying this and you have given me much to think about. Heck I didn't really expect anyone to pay attention to this odd sort of thread.

Hi OP! I was touched by this story when I heard it. There is a truth to it! May we all be happy and excited to step through that door someday! God bless you!


I Know My Master

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing
to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which
came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door,
a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...
I know my Master is there and that is enough."



- Author Unknown

Don’t believe you’ll die and you may have a chance, don’t take the morphine it’s a death sentence, if the pain is that bad your brain will make the morphine for you

Heck I didn't really expect anyone to pay attention to this odd sort of thread.

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I'm thinking just the opposite...I think this thread will go down in history!

Thank you for posting this.

Ego death hits closer to home. That moment when you realize you’re just not that special.

Look at me. Listen to me. I’m dying here after all.

Yeah, but we are going to go on living without you. Imagine that. They will survive without me and perhaps it may even be better than before I died. I thought I was all that because occasionally they let me steer the ship. Ha! It was them who kept it running. (Under my tutelage of course) LOLL

Its called ego death and sometimes I need a good death.

I have never done drugs, but I think I want to hang on to lucid as long as I can. :)

My friend I am going to die and its OK. It’s a natural and normal consequence of a life limiting illness and all of us are going to die sometime, but you know this.

I take meds for symptoms and while they perhaps could alter the number of hours or even days they give me great moments I can enjoy like today for instance. It’s about choices. It’s a personal choice and no one has the right to impose their values, but you also know this. I’d rather have “x” good days, hours or minutes than “y” not so good.

Thanks for caring enough to share your thoughts.

I know your diagnoses op. The oxygen tubeing? You can suck it like a pipe instead of leaving it under your nose if you want. Oh and that grief counseling? Tell your to find it not wait for them to call about it. Also the steroids will give you diabetes. Be careful with that.

Have fun on the other side all will be revealed

I was wondering if anyone would recognize the old nose hose! That tube I tell the kids helps to keep my nose from falling off! The steroid benefits at the moment outweigh the downside. Its sort of bitter sweet that when they don't it really won't make any difference at that point.

As I think I said earlier she is already engaged in grief counseling and its helping her to come to terms with her feelings, but its a process as you know. It will take as long as it takes and she is surrounded by those who love her and will care for her.

Well I suppose this was bound to happen sooner or later. I get to test my benevolent dictatorship skills.

I want to thank you for the eloquent education you are providing for us. This thread is very important. You are very brave, lovey.

I also want to comment on your remarkable relationship with your wife. It's a lovely thing to know some couples can make it, and still respect and love one another until death they do part.

I hope you travel well upon your passing, and you are greeted and embraced by loved ones already on the other side....


My healing heart to yours, lovey....

Funny, my aunt used to take us out to eat at Bob Evans. She always called it “Heaven’s Waiting Room”.

OP, if I may make a request...and if you are willing and able...

When the time grew close for my mom, she started having conversations with relatives who had passed on...

If you have any experiences like that, and are willing to share...I would like to hear about them.

Sorry if that sounds macabre, I don't mean it to be.

It is simply assisted suicide is what it really is.
My nieghbor tried to get her sister out at the last minute cuz her sister was under their care and she told the healthy sister to GET HER OUTTA this place as the hospital is the ones who recommened it to them both.
Sister told them she was taking her out and to get her ready and they literally had a meltdown and said there was no way she was taking her. Sister had to go home to get her papers showing she was her leagal guardian to get her out.
They don't want patients leaving cuz they make money$$ off each one they kill.

Getting your affairs in order.

As a boy I learned that you don’t admire someone for not taking responsibility for themselves or their family. In fact I have contempt for them. It’s their intrinsic moral duty and probably why I’m getting my affairs in order.

First there’s all the worldly stuff (banking, legal, titles, etc.), but I believe its pretty straightforward when you’re a typical family like us. Then comes the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon.

Things. Man do things seemingly have value.

I’m letting go of things I thought I never would and others want things I see little worth in. My wife and I talk about these things and she knows my blind spots. The road to hell really is paved with good intentions and she has educated me about this on several occasions! :)

I’m gifting some of my things because it’s what I want them to have and not necessarily what they may wish. My reasons are important to me and I think if they just thought about it they may come to some understanding of why I wish them to have it. The giving is for my benefit meaning it means something to me. Sounds odd to be that selfish, but they can talk over “things” after I’m gone. In the meantime I’m going to honor my needs.

Just another thing about this whole dying thing I thought I would share.

You know damn well I said not to discuss these things in this thread. This is my only warning and I will simply delete anything you post going forward.

I have read accounts from caregivers and providers about this and If I had similar experiences I would not share them here. Also from my reading when these things happen the person affected often isn't lucid enough to speak accurately about them.

I will admit to being fascinated by the prospect of this. There is so much that just can't be answered yet, but I still ponder stuff never-the-less.

Wow...... what an example to others..... Bump for later when I can fully engage. I will be only too pleased to contribute to this thread.

Just tell them not to dehydrate you to death and say you don't need water because you can't swallow when in actuality they give you so much drugs you can't communicate. Hopefully, not all hospice is like that but many are. Dehydration before overdose seems like a bad way to go.

Sounds odd to be that selfish, but they can talk over “things” after I’m gone. In the meantime I’m going to honor my needs.

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Good for you!

Thinking of yourself is not selfish...although you may have heard otherwise.

I have read accounts from caregivers and providers about this and If I had similar experiences I would not share them here.

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I understand and respect that.

OK lets talk about drugs.

Before anyone is tempted to warn, advise or tell me about Aunt Ethel stop. I’m not going to argue with you or justify my actions. I know there are very strong attitudes and feelings about hospice, meds, pain control, and so on. If you or someone you love were adversely affected I am so very sorry for you and them. This is my journey. My wife and nurse are the gate keepers for these discussions.

Prescribed meds I take:
Morphine Sulfate for lung pain and dyspnea. Slow release pill 2x day and liquid PRN.
Steroid for lung and bronchial inflammation daily.
Stomach pill for upset due to daily steroid.
Nitro PRN for angina.
3 other heart meds.
Nebulizer treatments 4x daily and PRN
Oxygen via cannula 24/7.
Lots of ice cream PRN

Its a pretty standard protocol for my disease. I can say stop, start or get out of here anytime I want to and my nurse will make it happen. (Not to mention my wife.) We adjust, tweak and so on looking for the maximum benefit with the least impact on the quality of my life. This is not a take two and call me in the morning team. Read that again and contemplate how believing this calms the soul.

The time will come when these drugs will interfere with my ability to think clearly and so on. You’ll know before I do if/when you see my writing or thoughts become disjointed, but I’m very confident my family will protect me from myself and you. :)

Every day is about choices. I have to choose to trust that my nurse cares about me which is the most comforting “treatment plan” I have. She and my wife are vigilant guardians of my humanity. You see only at the end is when I discovered what really matters. Too bad that.

when my patients got visited by those loved and passed on, I talked with them about memories as it made them happy. I let it be as they see it, and it always brought joy to them. It is real according to some, and they were lucid enough to tell and talk and discuss the good memories. It is reality to those who perceive it.

It is painful.. it is painful for all loving.

Show respect for those less inclined in this thread. This is a mans dying wish and should not be denied.

Greetings OP,

Will your body be cremated or buried? Headstone or plaque? Any fun sendoffs planned? If ashes, where do you hope they will be spread?

You’ll know before I do if/when you see my writing or thoughts become disjointed, but I’m very confident my family will protect me from myself and you. :)

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I think we can let a few slide :)

May I just say that my courage was found in the silence of fear and trembling and more importantly to me in my faith which I will not discuss. Thanks.

Well the "plan" is I wish to be cremated and my ashes buried at my Veterans cemetery and the VA will also provide us a grave marker. I don't have anything special planned, but my wife has several things she wants to do after I'm gone to honor her needs.

If everything goes according to our plans I will die in my bed in my home. When that happens hospice will sign the death certificate and notify the MEs office so no autopsy would be required. When my wife is ready she will then call the crematory and they will come retrieve me and then cremate me. They will hold the ashes until the interment ceremony and deliver them to the cemetery or she can pick them up to have for a memorial service or to just keep with her until then.

I'm going to continue my getting out of Hospice adventure.

I'm five months into Hospice and I'm not dying. I thought to myself, I need to get back to my neurologist and figure this out. I did get that appt. and I did get a different diagnosis. One that does not bear needing Hospice. Still can barely walk or talk....not dying. Here I am on some pretty hefty medications and I had to make an exit plan.

I spent 5 weeks in a hard withdrawal. Had to get off the harder meds and onto weaker meds. It was a fight to get those weaker meds but finally did. I looked like death warmed over during that time. Worse than when I went in. So glad to get down. I'm in a great deal of pain, but I did what I had to do because pain management outside of Hospice is brutal and they don't give much to chronic pain patients. I planned well ahead.

Tomorrow I sign the paperwork for release. I'm a little scared to be on my own frankly, but I have all my appts set and a new adventure begins.

Just got a call from pain management and they won't take me until I have images. Looks like I am going hard cold turkey. I can only laugh at this point. Can't be any worse than what I already went through given these meds are so much weaker and far fewer.

Now back to you OP. For me, it was definitely clear I had to go. However, there are patients that have spent nearly a decade in Hospice. I was not one of those candidates. Who knows what's in store for you? There is no such thing as a death stamp. Other than the fact it comes for us all.

My nurses told me quite a few stories. In particular one story of this female doctor that was dying and was an alcoholic. She had a bottle of liquor in one hand and a bottle of pills in another. They let her do what she wanted. She passed peacefully.

Other patient stories of people in Hospice for years.

There were so many stories from the nurses. I enjoyed them. Laughed quite a bit over them. The nurse can be very entertaining. They like to talk about them too. Talk about anything you want to with them. That's what they are there for.

Sorry for the bad writing. I have issues damnit! :D

Oh my gosh. Thank you for sharing this with me/us. Are you registered on GLP? I’m asking because I want to gift you a membership so we can talk privately if or when we may ever wish to. I have more I want to say but let’s start with getting you signed up. Whats you’re nick if you have one?