Hospice patient. Real Time. Real World. UPDATE: Noslot Gained His Wings Last Night. pg 11

I think you understand quite well because you spoke directly to what I was saying. “…use my illness as an excuse. “ and “…find that line?”

As I said, do I/we have the integrity to be honest and do we have the courage to act? I find that line bits at a time. The line for the really obvious things I can’t do is...obvious. Like you I struggle with the less obvious and like you said at what point does it become impossible.

I have this male ego thing to deal with otherwise known as Man disease. E.g., Give me a second I can do this. I don’t need your arm. Quit asking if. I’m not that sick. Does that hurt? And the list is seemly endless. I abhor allowing anyone to see my vulnerabilities and thinking for a second that I am just using it as an excuse.

Example. If I am struggling to rise from a chair and you say here grab ahold of my arm I will probably automatically say I don’t need your help and move my hand away from it. If you quietly offer your arm I may grab ahold of it to help me stand and let go of it the instant I can. Is that a line and if so when did it become one?

I pretty sure it became one the day I simply couldn’t stand without assistance. It probably should have become one long before that but it didn’t because I didn’t want you to think I was using my illness as an excuse for assistance.

I hope I’m making sense. The thought occurred to me that it also might be my pride and ego. All it has ever wanted to do is interfere with the quality of my life my denying me the help I deserve.

Just some thoughts

I remember reading once that 184,000 people died each day in 2009. I believe someone woke up in hospice this morning and doesn’t know they aren’t going to have dinner this evening.

All of us deserve to be sheltered, nurtured, loved and protected especially at the end of our lives when we are most vulnerable. If we must do this for ourselves that IMO is… shameful, but that’s meaningless as those who abandon us obviously have no shame.

I am profoundly grateful that caregivers have support groups, grief counseling and other resources available at any point in the hospice journey. Dying is a scary proposition. I’ve been married around 319,880 hours or so to a remarkable, mature, fiercely loyal woman. We have strengths and weaknesses and oft times they compliment each other.

No one notices except myself the very subtle changes in her cheek movement or that one facial muscle that tightens ever more subtly or the unconscious rubbing of her thumb and fore finger. Instead of saying left or right its your side or my side. The quirky methods of communication verbal or otherwise that all those hours developed and refined.

Now I ask you do you really believe that I can trust anyone to know her moods, unspoken intent and subtle needs? Of course not. So who then is going to take care of this complicated magnificent woman when I die? There is only one who’s love has been tested.

She believes when the house creaks at night that her husband will be the victor. I have a track record in every area of our life together. She knows I will do what I say because I have earned that. How long will it take her to learn that with another? I can’t trust that a man exists that will ever know how best to love her, serve her and die for her.

My job is easy. Hers is yet to be revealed. Don’t think for a moment I have given up. I have fought the good fight, but a life limiting illness doesn’t play fair. It will also ensnare all who venture too close. And while disease will take my love from her she embraces it and defies it to steal her love for me.

My actions always say more than words and I’ll never do this perfectly so why should I expect others too. Maybe I just don’t want to admit that someone may love her better than I have and she will discover this when I’m gone.

We’re gong to run out of moments long before we run out of things we wished we would have said to them as well as admitted to ourselves. The hours I’ve squandered during my life cannot be reclaimed. Ralph did a great job stealing them from me.

Thank you for sharing this. You have both been blessed to know love. My heart hurts for your wife right now. Hopefully you are sharing with her all the thoughts that are going through your head.

Hoping your tomorrow is a good day. You might just see a special bird.

Many of us are like that, OP, and I am a female.

I have had such a hard time in my life asking for help. I thought it was because I do not ever wish to impose on people, but now I am thinking there was more than likely an ego investment in all of that. (Though, I was hard-wired with "if you want something done right, do it yourself mentality by my Mama...and that is plainly ego.) Hmm.

Thank you so much for being here and teaching us, via your experience. Your thread has me thinking a LOT about my own life, and how I might desire making some changes in it.

It has helped me a lot, and I am sure that will continue.

Fred,

IF your wife chooses to one day be with someone else...there is no "better" about it. Just different. (If that even happens at all...as you said, she is a fiercly loyal woman.)

Please try not to worry too much (I know that might be a difficult thing to do...I am not a man.) It seems you have things in order, and evrything will more than likely work out just fine.

I am sure, from the deepest recess of my heart, that the last thing your wife would desire for you right now is your spending even as much as a second worrying about her. (Though that is quite LOVEly on your part.)

Again, please send your wife my love.

I pray for you both that this transition is a loving and peaceful one.

We are here for you, and you are LOVE(d)

Oh, by the way, I love your face!

*huge smiles*

Hi OPie,
I just wanted to drop by to say something nice.
I hope this day brings you joy and peace.

op .. would love to have met you..

you sound like a great person!

For you OP

THANKS FOR THE REPLY...THIS THREAD IS ABOUT THE ONLY GREAT ONE WE HAVE HERE AT GULP!

This thread has been so good for me. I've been learning a lot here. This thread has given me the opportunity to sit and ponder about things I usually try to push away (like for later, but later never comes). The important things that routine daily life doesn't give us the chance to appreciate.

One thing I found somewhat surprising is just how stubborn some of us are when it comes to admitting to ourselves that we cannot control everything in our lives. Thank goodness we have loved ones who anticipate for us so we don't have to admit certain things out loud. I guess it's in our nature to fight that line between possible and impossible.

I’ve never heard of this artist or song, but he’s sure singing many of my thoughts. Thank you for sharing this with me. And he’s right I can only imagine…

My dad worried about that too. He was always our hero. He fixed everything. Bad weather coming? Go to dad and he will know what to do. Trouble at school? He is on it. Work issues? Dad is the man to get advice from. Car trouble? Dad. Anything at all. He always knew what to do. He once even thwarted a robbery at a local convenience store and managed to calm a potentially violent situation. He was in the army. He was a boxer. He was a champion chess player. He had a degree in political science and was on the debate team in college. He could talk to anyone from any walk of life and had the ability to relate. He helped a lot of people. He was amazing.

When he was sick, he worried about what would happen to us. That was his biggest worry. The family he could no longer be the hero for. I am so thankful I was fortunate enough to be that loved and cared for!


My mom did remarry and has been in her 2nd marriage for about 15 years. Just today she was talking about something her husband did, and she accidentally said my dad's name instead of her current husband's name. It just slipped out!

That tells me that she still loves my dad and she would be with him even today if she could. That little slip up meant the world to me!

there was a movie on how it became a hit ..

its worth watching..

Your Dad is the kind of man we should all emulate. He earned your love and adoration and it moved me to read your words. One can only give their best and perhaps one day it’s revealed in the truthful witness of those he loved. Thank you for affirming your Dad as I vicariously stole your love for him.

I Can Only Imagine? If so I found it on Amazon.

yes

i was pleasantly surprised as i really don't watch movies..

Enjoy!

Hello Dearheart.

I have body-pain issues as well, so I empathize with you.

My father called calls that "withstanding the tensions of the opposites." Meaning, that is probably serves us best to 'live in both places' and BE the creators we are.

Living in the Realm of the Relative is no easy task.

Anyone here deserves much credit...especially in these trying times.

Fred is sharing his spark as he nears a new transition. It is up to us to read his wise words (recieve that spark) and examine our own lives.

The thought os death is very sobering. Terrifying for some (I believe that as been done to Western humanity on purpose.)

I died in 1991 in a near-fatal car accident. Since then, I have had no fear of death (though I am nowhere near ready to go yet.) :)

I wish you good health and much happiness, Fred, Only Me...and all!

Thank you so much for sharing your Truth, and for the 'happy tears.' ;)

I love Mercy Me,but did not know of this movie.

I will watch that this evening.

Much gratitude to you.

I've shed a few happy tears while reading this thread and reflecting on my own life.

In his own quest for a therapeutic venture, he has managed to make others smile and take time to appreciate the most important things we tend to forget. I'm glad we can all take part in this! Very grateful.

He writes a lot like my dad would talk. It's probably a strange thread to find comfort in, but I can't help but feel it anyway. I hope Fred finds this comforting too. It is his thread, after all!

I think you're probably a lot like my dad. I hope that what I told you helps you find comfort to know that those who look to you for your strength will always remember it fondly. Since you are probably like my dad, I can confidently say you've done enough. Everyone will be okay. You aren't really leaving them for good anyway right? You're just forging the path ahead of your loved ones so you can be there for them when it is their time. You'll be there in front of them again and have all the "fixes" ready for them. That's what I think.

Changing disease is not tough stuff, its life altering terrifyingly ugly repugnant stuff. And IMO mortal man is ill prepared to fathom that let alone be expected to embrace it. After change comes a troubled truce called acceptance. This is how it’s going to be now. It will never be as it was. And the insult to injury is that it will change yet again until it doesn’t. In the meantime I'll start all over again, but my disease keeps plodding along…and changing.

I want to know, but I don’t want the baggage that comes from knowing and then there are the times I know before anyone. The most common is increased pain. Early on I would deny it, but then realized I was denying myself the comfort care I deserved. Eventually, I/we decided that “disease updates” don’t serve any worthwhile purpose and we quit asking.

Morning is the time I usually inventory my symptoms and by that I mean its really about what’s different today that sort of feels new, etc., or I may just ignore everything and head for the coffee.

You can’t know the times when I’ve shared something here and it wrecks me. To see my thoughts and wonder if this is really who I am. I think the truth lies closer to some of my comments represent the man I wished I was rather than admit my feet of clay. My God that was difficult to admit.

My family has noticed that I am often busy typing away and I think they believe I’m keeping a journal or perhaps writing a story. I haven’t shared this place with them and I don’t intend to. This has become my personal space and I need it. I have the freedom to be a complete fool here or say anything I wish without constantly thinking about if I’m being the man they need me to be.

Change ushers in the final chapters and I need space where I don’t have to be brave and where I can weep. Let me rest and be weak. Let me fail and love me. Can’t you see that I am dying and I do not know when and how this uncertainty causes me to grunt and bend and weep.

Thinking of you! You are in my prayers.

Love doesn't come from one source, but it never goes away, it lives inside our hearts forever.

Thank you so much for the gifts you continue to give us on your thread.

Acceptance is very difficult for some. Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job with that.

I thought your family knew. I understand completely that this is your safe space as your life changes.

You are so very brave.

You were and are enough. That is quite plain to see.

Say whatever it is you desire to.

I love you so very much. I know you feel that.

Nothing you say will ever cause me to ever judge you or think any less of you. (I do my civil best to never judge anyone...a difficult path to walk, but so very well worth it.) There is an inherent, wonderful freedom in that (I am not perfect, but I sure do try to walk my talk.)

I am hugging you mentally, Dearest Fred.

All I see is the beautiful soul of a man who is courageous enough to share his thoughts and emotions.
It's okay to be weary.

Much love.....

PS (on a lighter note) As your pain meds change, don't forget your bowels. YMMV (your mileage may vary) but a good rule of thumb is no longer than three days without a "good" bowel movement.

I don't blame you at all for having a place to share your thoughts without the risk of your family seeing it. No one at all in my personal life is aware I even come here and I've been a glper for many years. It's nice to be able to say what I want without having to worry about how it affects anyone close to me.

I used to keep a personal journal and found I was writing things in that really didn't accurately reflect my true feelings or thoughts. Rather, I would write about my ideal me rather than the real me. It disgusted me that I couldn't be honest with myself, so I stopped. In all honesty, there was another reason I stopped - I'm quite lazy and couldn't be bothered. And why should I, if I could not even do it properly?

Looking back, I feel like even if I wasn't honest with myself on paper, I at least can be proud of the fact that I can be honest with myself internally, and that's enough for me.

I truly enjoy reading your posts. They make me stop and reflect on my own thoughts in a way I never have before. I'm sure it's because of the situation you're in that you share things that really matter.

I can't thank you enough for that!

I second that thought :)

My good friend shared this with me this morning. “…When a person gets sick, some people run, some latch on and others are indifferent…”

I “knew” this on some level, but I ignored it. Maybe because I didn’t want to admit my life might have similar characters.

I can understand running away as this may be the best thing you could come up with to take care of yourself. And take care of yourself you must.

Those who latch can be like the annoying fly who simply won’t let you alone. Occasionally you have to swat at it to have some peace and space.

Of these I think indifference is the worst. What an ugly message. What happened or what will happen to you really doesn’t matter one way or the other. This lack of empathic regard is staggering.

His statement has really unsettled me this morning, but I think in a good way. I wonder how I’ve rationalized, minimized, distorted and projected my feelings if/when this occurs.

Wait a minute. Why should I invest time in attempting to understand this? How will the answers contribute to my ‘comfort’? (spiritual, emotional, and physical)

Its a “tarp” as said in this place and which I am scornful of this part of the culture here, but I thought I would try to be one of the ‘guys’. :) LOLLL

It’s a trap because it will deflect me from those things that do benefit me. And in time my understanding is that I will withdraw even more from people so this probably won’t even be a memory. But I confess I am attracted to sorting this out regardless of my conscious telling me careful what you wish for…

Obviously it doesn’t take much to keep old gramps out of their hair. Just say or do something that makes him sigh and his eyes will glaze over in a drugged blissfulness! LOL