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What is the bird representing the US?
......the eagle

What is the bird representing peace?
......the dove

What is the bird representing true love?
......the swallow

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Mine. Logged in now

why did the sperm cross the road?


you put on the wrong socks this morning.

Long, sexually explicit one here.
Heard it 20 years ago and I know I could make you laugh if I told it to you in person.
Here goes:

A woman, married for 15 years, was getting frustrated because her husband hadn't been banging her- for about a year.

She needed release.

She couldn't stand how long it took to finger herself anymore either. So, she ended up going to LovesX, their local sex shop to get a dilldoe. They were sold out of everything. The shop owner, witnessing the dismay on her face, said "I have one more toy left. but it's probably too powerful for you."

Desperate, she say's "Please, let me at least look at it!"
The shop owner gave her a nod and led her to the warehouse portion of the store. There before her, in a purple box labeled "Voodoo", was a normal size dilldoe.

She begs the shop owner to sell it to her. He tells her that because it's a Voodoo dildo, he cannot sell it to her but he can give it to her. She asks if he will give it to her. He says yes, so long as you listen to these instructions.

Of course, she agrees. The shop owner tells her that the dilldoe is enchanted with Voodoo magic. He tells her to make it work all she has to do is turn it on and say "voodoo dilldoe my pussy" and that the dilldoe would do the rest. He looks at her stearnly and tells her to never say "voodoo dilldoe my pussy" more than once without turning it off, that it would overheat the toy.

That night she dresses up sexy AF. She calls her husband who is still working to see if he'll come home right away. He tells her that he will be home in a couple hours and hangs up. J

She gets done with her night routine and is about to turn in - Voodoo dilldoe!. Without delay she's off to her drawer were she left her new toy.

She lays down, gets comfortable and opens the box.
She wonders if it will be quick, if she'll be done before her husband comes home. She starts rubbing it around. The excitement is great, it's been a long time since she anticipated-anything. No longer shy with her new friend, she says "Voodoo dilldoe my pussy".

Sure enough, the dilldoe starts banging her by itself and begins vibrating slowly in a random pattern. Not even caring that magic is real, she takes off her robe and begins to see what her new friend can do.

He's a good friend indeed! She's loving it, hasn't felt this way in over a year. Voodoo dilldoe is banging her and vibrating her best spots masterfully.

Forgetting the words of the shop owner, she says "Voodoo dilldoe my pussy" out of pleasure. The Voodoo dilldoe responds by increasing vibration and stroke. In less than a minute she is close to climaxing. As she releases the tension built up over the course of a year, she screams "voodoo dilldoe my pussy! voodoo dilldoe my pussy ! voodoo dilldoe my puuussssy !!! Her new best friend started hamnmering away faster than anything she's ever imagined before.

It starts smoking just as she's gets exhausted. A little embarrassed now and wondering if she broke it, she basically throws her toy out of herself and onto the bed.

The voodoo dilldoe hops up on it's own and plunges back into it's new master faster and faster, smoking, and vibrating like a jackhammer.
She's overstimulated now... and a little freaked out... so she throws it across the room.

But her new friend isn't done. Almost instantly, it rights itself and starts hopping back towards her at an unbelievable rate.

At this point she's scared she's going to be fucked to death, so she takes off out of the room and heads downstairs. Reaching the bottom floor, still naked, she turns around and sees the voodoo dilldoe exit her room and head down the stairs. It appears to be picking up speed.

They keep their keys right by the door so she grabs them, closes the door behind her and heads for her car.

Boom !! Just as she gets in the car the voodoo dilldoe crashes through the front door and is headed straight for her. She starts the car and starts driving away.

Feeling a little safer, she looks in the rearview.
WTF! Voodoo dilldoe is chasing her in her car!
he sppeds up. Now she's going around 30 miles per hour. She looks back confidently, but Voodoo dilldoe is gaining on her!

She's completely freaked now, and she starts sobbing as she gasses it. She's been going 75 in a 45 but voodoo dilldoe doesn't look like it's getting farther away anymore. She goes faster- reaching 110 mph.

A cop in a speed trap clocks her at 110 and gets pissed- you can kill somebody at that speed, he thinks, as he turns his lights on and pulls out behind her.

Thank God! she thinks and pulls over so fast the cop almost hits her car. She gets out "help me officer!" she screams.
Still angry he says "What the fuck are you doing lady, trying to kill somebody? And why the hell don't you have any clothes on!". He abruptly spins her around and slaps cuffs on her.

Running only on survival instincts, she resists arrest and says "please please officer there's a voodoo dilldoe chasing me and I can't get away!".

The cop says "voodoo dilldoe my ass"

I took the family on vacation and stopped at a hotel. The guy at the front desk looked at me and my kids as I was filling out the paperwork and whispered to me, “Do you want the porn disabled?”

I said “No you sick fuck. I want the regular porn”.