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Need to laugh? Post your best jokes

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 78001126
United States
02/02/2022 07:08 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 82033219
Denmark
02/02/2022 07:10 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
Nipples McGee

User ID: 43413530
United States
02/02/2022 07:19 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
A baby seal walks into a club.......

That’s it, that’s the joke
Nipples McGee
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 78691460
Australia
02/02/2022 07:27 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
There's a butcher introducing his wife to everyone at a party




Meet Pattie
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80963927
02/02/2022 07:31 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
Two young men decide to go to the beach one day, one Italian, one Polish. The Italian says to the Polish, "I'll tell ya how to get the chicks interested in you. You gotta put a potato in your bathing suit." They go to the beach and all these chicks are hangin' with the Italian. No girls would even go near the Polish guy. When they left the beach the Polish guy asks his friend, "Hey! What was up with that? I did what you said and no girls would have anything to do with me?" And the Italian guy responds, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 72698099
Canada
02/02/2022 07:32 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
 Quoting: Nonentity

did you hear about the new Barbie?




it's called, "Divorced Barbie.




comes with all of ken's stuff
Vapor Trails

User ID: 75088233
United States
02/02/2022 07:33 PM

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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
Can you believe they’re still together after all the shit they’ve been through?
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. ~Edgar Allen Poe
[link to youtu.be (secure)]
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 81034104
Egypt
02/02/2022 07:35 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Goe Biden?




One was actually voted in office by the people.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80106690
Canada
02/02/2022 07:35 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
What do you get when you cross a liberal and a monkey?


A retarded monkey
Naunet

User ID: 75919805
Canada
02/02/2022 07:36 PM

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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 81880310


ya know that thick frost on the trees

hoarfrost

do you know why it's called that?


because when it's that cold outside
they don't go out on the stroll

hooker
(°ö°)
Swirl Life
Naunet

User ID: 75919805
Canada
02/02/2022 07:37 PM

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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
What do you get when you cross a liberal and a monkey?


A retarded monkey
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 80106690


nothing

a monkey is too intelligent to fk a lib.
(°ö°)
Swirl Life
Dijact

User ID: 77693746
United States
02/02/2022 07:37 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
My Dick was in the Guinness book of world records..

..then the librarian told me to take it out.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 81878894
United States
02/02/2022 07:37 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
Two young men decide to go to the beach one day, one Italian, one Polish. The Italian says to the Polish, "I'll tell ya how to get the chicks interested in you. You gotta put a potato in your bathing suit." They go to the beach and all these chicks are hangin' with the Italian. No girls would even go near the Polish guy. When they left the beach the Polish guy asks his friend, "Hey! What was up with that? I did what you said and no girls would have anything to do with me?" And the Italian guy responds, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 80963927


Hahahahaha
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 43943490
Canada
02/02/2022 07:38 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
The best joke of the day!!!

Trudeau
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 81878894
United States
02/02/2022 07:38 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
Two young men decide to go to the beach one day, one Italian, one Polish. The Italian says to the Polish, "I'll tell ya how to get the chicks interested in you. You gotta put a potato in your bathing suit." They go to the beach and all these chicks are hangin' with the Italian. No girls would even go near the Polish guy. When they left the beach the Polish guy asks his friend, "Hey! What was up with that? I did what you said and no girls would have anything to do with me?" And the Italian guy responds, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 80963927


Hahahahaha
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4761238
United States
02/02/2022 07:40 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
i tried to be a stand up comedian once,

but when i stood up no one laughed
Anonimous Coward

User ID: 16819600
United States
02/02/2022 07:40 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
An old bind man is walking past the fish market on a hot Sunday morning.He tips his hat and says, "morning ladies".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 60004392
United States
02/02/2022 07:43 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
An old man and his wife were sitting in church. The wife suddenly sat up straight, then leaned over to her husband in panic. "I just let out a silent fart.. what should I do?"

The husband, without looking at her said "Change your hearing aid battery."
A
User ID: 78340037
Netherlands
02/02/2022 07:43 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
knock knock

who's there?

Amos

Amos who?

Amos Quito
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80963927
02/02/2022 07:45 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
An old man and his wife were sitting in church. The wife suddenly sat up straight, then leaned over to her husband in panic. "I just let out a silent fart.. what should I do?"

The husband, without looking at her said "Change your hearing aid battery."
 Quoting: DieselTech


LOL!!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 60004392
United States
02/02/2022 07:45 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
If you watch the movie Jaws backwards, it becomes the heartwarming tale of a large shark swimming around giving arms and legs to handicapped people.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 77581196
United States
02/02/2022 07:47 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
So, there's two fish in a tank

One fish says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing"
Page 5
User ID: 76914171
United States
02/02/2022 07:50 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
A good buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets. They are on the 40 yard line. He paid $2,500 for each but he didn't realize when he bought them that the Super Bowl was on his wedding day. He likely made the mistake because the NFL added an extra game this season. If you're interested he is looking for someone to take his place.....It's at Calvary Church in San Clemente at 3 pm. The bride's name is Nicole. She's about 5'4 and 115 ponds, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
Five Forty Four A.M.

User ID: 66650449
United States
02/02/2022 07:52 PM

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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
Cochise5150

User ID: 81786860
Canada
02/02/2022 07:52 PM

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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
So a seal walks into a club…

*drum roll*
Tinfoil is not a fashion accessory.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 81034104
Egypt
02/02/2022 07:53 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
If you watch the movie Jaws backwards, it becomes the heartwarming tale of a large shark swimming around giving arms and legs to handicapped people.
 Quoting: DieselTech


OH SHIT IM DED!!!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 80163851
United States
02/02/2022 07:53 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
What do you get when you cross a peanut butter sandwich and a rooster?


A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Five Forty Four A.M.

User ID: 66650449
United States
02/02/2022 07:54 PM

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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
If you watch the movie Jaws backwards, it becomes the heartwarming tale of a large shark swimming around giving arms and legs to handicapped people.
 Quoting: DieselTech


OH SHIT IM DED!!!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 81034104


1rof1
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 69226408
United States
02/02/2022 07:55 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
There was a poll of liberal Democrats: what's your favorite movie?


>


>


>


>


>


>


A: The Mask
Polyethylene pam

User ID: 79616707
United States
02/02/2022 07:57 PM
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Re: Need to laugh? Post your best jokes
What do you call a cheap chinese circumcision?

A rip off
 Quoting: Nonentity







GLP