Q for all mother's

YOu didn't upset me at all Rose and I see your point. I just hate to see lives destroyed by these assholes with control issues. I slap apathy around every time I see it as well. I think people often forget when young ladies end up in relationships like this that their minds are also being controlled, so it's really hard for me to agree with the idea that this young lady needs to make her own decisions.

DO hostages really have a choice to be in a hostage situation?

NO harm no foul this is GLP ;)

I do like this idea. My family is as lily whitebread middle class as they come. Never been involved in any of this crap so not sure if we could find any enemies easily.

But .... I do like the idea of somebody leaning on him ...HARD. I'm calling my son in law and have him chat with the person who okay'd the rough up...maybe an inside person could deliver a message about my daughter's well being. Thanks brb

Treasures,

Please look thru the internet at sites for how to help women get away from a domestic abuser. Your daughter is brainwashed by his emotional and psycological abuses. Like a cult memeber, they need to be "de programmed." Unfortunatly tho straight confrontation with her will only push her away from you. You have to understand the dynamics of what he is really doing to her. she is under his spell, so to speak, thru no fault of her own. Having been in her shoes I can tell you that he has hijacked her mind and self esteem and she is living in a great deal of denial.

Educate yourself as much as you can to domestic violence and abuse, and seek help. If you go to the local YWCA they can counsel you on the best way to get her help and awareness. Abusers do their best to isolate a woman from family and friends and you want to intervention her before he takes her out of state. If he senses you are onto him, he will do just that. There are tactics and ways to reach women like your daughter, you'd do best to look and inquire on those sites not just GLP.

My best friend was murdered by her husband after 10 years of marriage. None of us knew then what would be the best way to get her out, as we had no idea just how much he had inflitrated her mind and soul.

Oh Treasures, my heart is literally breaking for you. Our sons are 4 y/o and 6 y/o; everytime I read a story about older children doing these types of things makes me just want my kids to stay young always.

Right now, I just want to come over and hug you, start baking together, have a good cup of tea.

Please, I want to preface this with saying I am not judging when I ask this, but, what was she taught when she was growing up? I am sure you reinforced that she should never allow a guy to hit her.

Deep down it sounds like she is punishing herself; does she perhaps feel "responsible" for the breakup of your marriage to her father? (I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there).

Try to find a way to find out why she feels she "deserves" this kind of abuse. There is something that happened where she feels that because she did that, she now deserves to be unhappy.

I am so sorry for the anguish you are going through Treasures. Perhaps go to a counselor yourself to help with coping mechanisms for you and your other children.

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5 star post.

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I would strongly advise agaisnt this, as tempting as it is. It will only cause him to lean on your daugher harder. She will pay for whatever consequence YOU dish out, and he will also get her to leave and be very far away from you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER HE HAS OVER HER RIGHT NOW, it is much greater than you think.

I was a grown woman, same story. My mom asked if I wanted my children to grow up and have the kind of marriage that I had. She and my father are still very much in love, and when I thought about it, for even a moment, I realized what I needed to do.

Good luck, prayers are with you and your daughter.

Another thought, since she is pregnant and there's laws being passed right and left that are making it easier for CPS to get their hands on newborns right from the womb, you could start passing the articles and info on that. Stress your concern for what might happen to her and the baby when it's born. They are extremely invasive now with new mothers and this might be a good way to help her make her escape. Sometimes it takes the victim realizing they are putting another in danger to wake up and the mother instinct kicks in.

In this sense I was blessed that my daughter was a minor when she was pregnant because she saw all her underage friends lose their babies upon birth and she gave my husband and I custody of our grandson keeping him out of the system.

Edited to add: The situation your daughter is living in right now puts her at the top of the list of targeted mothers.

Last Edited by rosesunicorn on 12/06/2009 03:10 PM

o man that messed up.sorry.

you are right....after getting off and going to dial the phone a half a dozen times I decided against calling the son in law.

She nor any of my kids has ever known abuse. And yes she knows it is never okay for someone to physically hurt you.

I on the other hand do. I grew up under the hands of an abuser with a mother who was submissive to say the least. He was a step parent who ended up adopting me (although why I will never know). To this day my mother and I have a relationship only as long as the taboo subject of his abuse is not spoken of. I tolerate him every other year just so I can see my mother.

I guess that's why I am smarting so much. I know my vision is skewed on this subject. I know my rage is only slightly (at this moment) under control.

My daughter was a late bloomer. She was a tad on the pudgy side up until her junior year in high school, over the summer she lost all of the weight. Her senior year was filled with much attention from boys but she didn't ever really date anyone. They would always go out in groups etc

This kid is older than her--22 yrs, bad boy, and really the first person she ever really fell for. That's what is holding her there. She has her emotions totally tied to the desirable outcome of this relationship. She is continually making excuses for his behavior---I'll give you an example. We had purchased a car for her to get back and forth to college with. It needed some repairs and I had made arrangements with the dealership we purchased it at to have the repairs done.

When it was time to pick up the car, the asshole was with her. There was a problem with a part --the mechanic had already spoke to my husband and had made arrangements to have it back in there as soon as the part came in. Well this kid decides he gonna get up in the face of the mechanic spitting and screaming at him. The owner of the dealership came out and got an equal verbal assualt. He ended up calling my husband and let him know just what a piece of shit my daughter was hanging with. My husband drew the line at that point.

He's threatened me face to face spitting in my face that he has a bullet with my name on it. He's made reference to my younger son's welfare (he's an Aspie and too trusting). So this is where we are. She's made her choice--which I know she knows is wrong--she's always stuttering or making excuses for him.

I do agree with posters who have suggested I contact a DV group. I will do that 1st thing in the morning.

As for the poster who suggests searching other sites. I am, but GLP is like my family. And family is what I needed today.

I will pray for your daughter. I have a sister who was in a few abusive relationships. Everytime she was offered help, it wasn't long b4 she was back with the 1st abuser. It took 3 kids and too many beatings for him to get out of her life. Then the second one would abuse her and her 3 kids. He left after a few years. The third one was a gigolo, always living off her and stealing. She never learns. Thankfully, she's still alive. Kids are grown up and messed up mentally from all the abuse.

These people do not know what real love is. Most of these abusers will beat them and then apologize later. The women will then believe them and the cycle starts all over again. Real unconditional love doesn't hurt people or expect anything in return. They have forgotten what real love feels like, but it's really up to her to decide when it's enough. I know my sister was warned countless times and she just kept going back. She even let him live with her and had another child off of him. I know she's not happy, but she'll scream to me with an angry tone, "Oh, I'm happy, real happy with my life!" I still can't get along well with her because of all the abuse she's sustained- and it's been over 20 years!

Keep praying for her with all your heart and love. Love her unconditionally.

Shut up! She has every right to get help even if it's underhanded. The person who issues the beating or roughing up does not have to blab to the asshole,"Hey! this one is for your gf!" Ok? You just make it look like it's a hit to shut his narcing up. lol! Make it look like pay back for his being a narc so therefore it's justified. And in the meantime, mom can go get her daughter out of that house and move her back home.Mom, do not take No for an answer! If she cries, tell her it's for her own good and that of the baby's.
Next day, go straight to a judge and ask for guardianship of your daughter, explain why and tell the judge she is no longer in control of herself so therefore you need to do this in order to save both her and the baby. Claim mental problems if you have to, but do it! Britney Spears father did that and it worked,too.

Clarification: When I said put a bug in his enemy's ear, there will be no repercussions back on you. I call it walking outside of the ring. The lifestyle he lives he has enemies, someone he did wrong. If you put a bug in their ear as well as a leave alone message, they will in a sense take care of your situation while dealing with their own. See they already have a beef with him so when they come he won't think of you all sicking said enemy on him, he knows he's coming cuz he did said enemy wrong. The fall out is daughter gets an eye opener and will likely run home. When she makes excuses for him it shuts the doors to the cops and anyone else. It's also not just about the daughter but the whole family.

Edited to add:

Personal experience example: In my daughter's case the guy bragged about how he scammed this person and that. Where hubby worked there was often a large turn around in employees and hubby can blend with many groups. We were easily able to find out that the guy and his brother were on a hit list of a man that had just gotten out of prison and fully planned on going back for the murders of the brothers (one of my scariest months). We also heard who he owed money to. Hubby contacted people that knew these people and in exchange for giving up the guy's whereabouts they ensured our daughter's safety. To this day my daughter has no idea that what went down was a result of Dad putting a bug in the right ear. Nothing was traced back to us because he owed money and this guy was owed a lesson. Our daughter realized this wasn't the life she wanted for herself nor her son and left him. The bug did what no one else could.

Last Edited by rosesunicorn on 12/06/2009 03:43 PM

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Those are threats of bodily harm.

That is a criminal offense.

Contact the authorities.

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I did right after it happened. Cop seemed apathetic like I was interrupting his coffee break. Said he'd take a report but nothing likely was to come of it...how do like that?? I mean wtf....I was stunned. Gave him all this pot, pipes and papers we found and nothing....

Right now, I too want to go over and harm the guy, and I'm not a violent person. Hopefully, a DV group can help you and your family. My prayers are with your family and I pray for your daughter's safety and that she comes to her senses.

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The authorities have made us all "lay down our arms" ... "they will take care of the bad guys", lol ...

Right.

See how well that's working out.




I don't know how to respond to your latest post, OP.

Might try contacting some other authorities. Or even see an attorney to see what can legally be done.

I'm sure you could get a restraining order, but I've never seen that they do much good.

I think if it were my daughter, I would forcibly remove her from where she is. Put her in counseling. Something.

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I know :(

I work for a state agency. I'm going to contact the Children's division tomorrow and see if they can be of any help... have a few friends there too. We'll see

I guess that's why I am so upset today...everything we've tried other than forcibly restraining her hasn't worked.

Maybe now that she's pregnant they can be of assistance. Hadn't thought of that.

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Excellent idea.

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When you do see your daughter, get your own pictures. Keep a journal of abuse that you can take to court. File for grandparents rights to that baby so you can have regular visitation and keep an eye on it. If he threatens you get a protection order. Breaking the order is an automatic 6 months in jail.

Eventually your daughter will be found unfit and that baby will need someone it can trust. I'm not saying forget your daughter for the baby. She will go were the baby is. Offer her help, but don't back down about the baby.