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Message Subject What's your earliest traumatic memory?
Poster Handle Anonymous Survivor
Post Content
This thread is both sad and hopeful. I've always wondered how I fit into the trauma experience - how many are like me and how am I doing in spite of my experiences? I pray for healing for myself and those who have posted here - and most of all, that we will not perpetrate trauma on others.

Between 1 and 4 years of age I was regularly sodomized and suffocated, resuscitated and sodomized again while being forced to look at images of raped, mutilated and murdered women while being told this would be done to my mother if I told.

During that time I watched a house burn down with my cousin inside. Her mother was a star-child/sex slave of the local coven and had been forced to offer her child as a sacrifice.

A neighbor accidentally drove over the head of one of his twins who fell off the hood of his car. I saw the body from a distant and his sobbing form and watched my mother pass out and land in the dirt next to me.

I was raped at 9 by what I believed to be my own father - it was pitch black that night. I still don't know for sure who it was.

There have been other events, but those are the earliest and most effecting. My parents have never acknowledged what I went through, although they do know and confirm it. They just don't want anyone else to know. Some friends and family know - but also prefer to pretend it didn't happen. I am frequently told that I am "amazing" and "so strong" and "such a pillar. . ." While inside I feel like fractured glass.

It is only by the mercy and healing of God that I live a surprisingly stable life. There are plenty of days when I desperately wish for death, but he has consistently saved me from it and helped me untangle the mess in my mind.

Things that have helped me are: Gardening. Music. Prayer. Love.
 Quoting: Anonymous Survivor 82899410


Thank you for sharing that. I lack the vocabulary and tact to make the right remarks about the unspeakable evil those beasts put you through.

But all I can say is that I greatly admire the fact that you live a stable life, which makes me feel like a weakling for having just suffered emotional neglect, nightmares, physical abuse and bullying during my childhood, and not being able to live a stable life after all.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 78036093


Thank you for caring. That response is healing to me in and of itself - and for the poster above who sent me a hug from the other side of the world. Ultimately, it is love that heals us.

I think that "smaller" traumas can also be hugely damaging... Later in life I was under a passive aggressive narcissist for a while. It shocked me how much emotional damage that person did in comparison to the earlier rape and torture. I have wondered if my early experiences made me more vulnerable to the emotional abuse, or if emotional abuse is actually more harmful.

So - I can absolutely believe that the emotional abuse you suffered was terribly damaging, and I am very sorry that you experienced that. Hopefully, you can now fill your life with love and compassion and find healing there.

In any case - I'm sending some live right now!
 
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