The Dream

I've shared this dream before. It had a huge impact on my life. It was, perhaps, the very first introduction to worlds beyond this one. It shaped my thinking. It left me in abject fear. I could not contain all the images flooding my mind. I retreated--big time.

In the dream, I was standing on a tall mountain. I could overlook the whole earth. It was all on fire. The cities were all burning. The trees were all burning. The very earth itself seeming to be burning. Nothing was alive. Of this, I was certain. The sun was three times its normal size. It took up a third of the sky.

I became aware of a mind. I was so close to the mind that it actually seemed to be me. I could hear and see its thoughts. The force of its depravity, the depth of its evil would have slain me on the spot had it not been disassociated from myself. From my vantage point, I could follow out every nuance of every foul thought, taken to the limit of hatred of everything human. It had curious sadness that ran to its depth, but I quickly saw at its depth, that its only pain was because there was no one left to torture, maim, and kill. It was creature for which time had no meaning, dedicated to the destruction of God's Kingdom, and chained to a world where there nothing left to tempt. "They" were all gone. The Victors. The only thing he had to look forward to, was their return in a thousand years. To finish him off. It's all written. He knows it well. His hatred roars with defeated gnashing of teeth.

When I awoke, I was in a pool of sweat, terrified at what I had seen. No person should ever have to experience the mind of evil, not from a distance but in the intimacy of evil incarnate. I could never be the same again. I could never allow myself to shrink into that hopeless anguish of total loss. I could not ever allow myself to be tempted, deceived, hypnotized into mindlessly selling my birthright to the inheritance given to the victors. I would have to jealously guard my path. I determined to be and do all that I possibly could, to keep myself from becoming corrupt. I was four years old.

I saw evil everywhere. This is why I retreated. For the next three years, I lived, not in fear of the evil; but in awareness of it. I saw things. Things no one should see, let alone a child. It was like I was the only one who could see. I saw a problem coming. I had to prepare for it. I was learning quickly that innocence cannot allow itself to be overt. It actually attracts the demons. They seek the "special ones". The ones who are "the remnant of Her Seed." The offspring of the one true church. The Chosen Ones. When I was seven, I destroyed my identity. From that moment, I became an expert in mediocrity. As far as I possibly could, I became invisible. It was the first change. I became an entirely different personality. It felt good. I felt strong. I was in control. I was still a child, but I emerged upon the scene as an individual who knew what he wanted and got it. He had the best of both worlds. He was still innocent, but he knew that he couldn't allow that innocence to express itself, for it would be laughed to scorn. For the next seven years, he retreated even more deeply. I say he, because I was no longer there. I could not be. It was a tough world. There was violence everywhere. I had no violence in me. I could only make believe. Miraculously, I made it through to adolescence. Now I could become myself again. I was not little anymore. I could stand my ground. I could apply myself. I was cool. I was 14.