GLP MEMBERSHIP GIVEAWAY! - Tell Me Your Funniest Joke! - 2 Full Member Accts To Win

This is nice of you :)

A black guys walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, the bartender says, where did you get that. The parrot says Africa, there’s millions of them .....

Thanks! Just doing my part to give back.

The fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off

Why pedophiles don't win races?
They prefer to come in a little behind

Difference between a coffin and a condom?
One you come in, one you go in

What's long and black and smelly?
unemployment line

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see's this HUGE Black guy standing next to him.

The big guy see's the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says: " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.

The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, i thought you said, "Turn around."

I'm gonna join you soon! Upgrade some of them.

How do you know your best friend is gey

His dick tastes like poo.

***************************

Not reg'd, but thanks for the offer :)

Membershiptards GL everyone

God asked Adam, "So, how are you enjoying the life I gave you in the Garden?"

And Adam replied, "It's nice."

"Nice!?!" God asked. "It's supposed to be paradise."

"Well," says Adam, "It's really beautiful and you're good company but, I am a bit lonely."

And God said, "Yes Adam, I already know this. That is why I am creating for you, A MASTERPIECE!"

"A masterpiece!?! What is it?" Asked Adam.

"Well Adam, it is called a women. It's the most beautiful thing you will ever see. A women is eternally loyal and supremely honest. Never vindictive or underhanded, consistently supportive and encouraging. Not to mention, she very much enjoys cooking, cleaning AND doing laundry."

"Wow!!! That sounds absolutely amazing!" Said Adam, "but.. it also sounds very expensive. How much will that cost me?"

"Well," said God, "it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thinks about it for awhile and says, "Hmmmmmmm...... what can I get for a rib?"

Pretty funny! I like this one.

Was watching a documentary with my old man one day, it was about death and funerals, the old man turned to me and said "have you ever seen a black coffin?" and i was like "no, any coffin ive ever seen are brown, have you seen one?" and he said "yes, seen one at the bus stop the other day" and he made a coughing sound

Hahaha good one!

Okay...

Question: Why are there no numbers after 7?

Answer: Because 7 ate 9 and 10.

Cute and classic!

Go look in the mirror.

What did the parrot want for the fourth of July?





A firecracker.

Okay, how about TP Jokes


Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road Because it was stuck in a crack.

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!

What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? “I feel really wiped.”

A guy i know named Toivo made it to the finals of a poem contest. He was up against a Harvard graduate. The judges said you need to make a poem with the word Timbuktu in it. The harvard guy gets up there and says. Across the burning desert sands,went an endless caravan,one by one,two by two destination Timbuktu. Toivo gets up there and says. Me and Tim a hunting went, we met three maidens in a tent,they were three ,we were two, i bucked one and Timbuktwo.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
-
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
-
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Yo', Chaos....don't need to win since I'm a member now.

But love contests which are great doom breaks!

So, in an effort to produce a good chuckle or belly LOL for you....

What is the bird of peace?....the Dove
What is the bird of our nation?....the Eagle
What is the bird of true love?....the Swallow



Last Edited by Deplorable Zenobia on 07/04/2019 06:58 PM

Good to see the generosity flowing on GLP today! I'm
trying to think of a good joke.

Hope you don't mind my adding my contest here, too, as we
have expired our green pin!
Thread: CONTEST CLOSED (AWARDS APPLIED NOW!) ANNUAL 4TH OF JULY CAPTION CONTEST TODAY! Win 1 of 2 Free GLP 1-Month memberships!

...MORE CHANCES TO WIN!

Thanks OP!

TheOracle'sCookie

A man from Newfoundland and Labrador, went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99".
Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go by'e," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newfie so he says, "All right, question number 3.

Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."

The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."

He then tells the Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps near the base of each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.

When do I start me job?"

Jesus said to Peter, “come forth and receive eternal life”

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

Cant argue with that one!

what did the Sushi say to the bee?


Waaassaabee




Last Edited by Dogfood™ on 07/04/2019 07:04 PM

Hahaha nice one, Zen!

No worries! I tried to pin it again for ya but it wouldnt let me. Feel free to promote it anytime on this thread. Love your posts, Oracle!

A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."

Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex.
The gas attendant tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex.

The Canadian says, "7" The gas attendant says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time.

" A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendant gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number.
The Canadian says, "5" The gas attendant says, "Sorry,it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Preface: I told this to the doctor performing my C-section while I was strapped down to the operating table.

A guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks the guy, "Dude, seriously, why are you comin' in here with a parrot on your shoulder?"

The parrot answered, "Him? How about getting this guy off my ass?"


*badum-tss*

The doctor, to his great credit, still managed to cut straight.