I had an affair with Colonel Gaddafi in the late 80s

no honey, he raped you.

you can deny and rationalize all you want.

get some help.

I'm sorry.

Thanks for the resources, I’ll check them out.

My grief is...complicated at best. I have no grave to visit, no one to talk to about it. And if by sleep you mean death, then yes, it certainly does.

Anna, sweetheart, you are a strong woman. I understand your struggle.

You still have time to take back the life that was stolen from you. 45 is a prime age where you can recover and thrive.

Choose who you surround yourself with. Don't make the same choices that someone else would have made for you. You have control now and the power.

Find your support group. Surround yourself with those whom give you what YOU need, not take from you everything you are.

You'll be ok. Make a plan.

How? The most violent he was was on cocaine and that pales in comparison to my other experiences.

Isolation is one of the things that keep us in a cycle. Seek out positive support systems.

Sleep is not death, sleep is the body healing itself. Like when people are put into a coma, it's so that the body can regenerate.

Death is something else entirely... and can knock at the door in troubling times, I get that. We look at death as an option... but it's not... only God determines that.

Don't use one resource, use them all. Call multiple places, people, therapists, find the ones that make you feel great and help you. (not the ones who just want your money and keep you in a cycle).

Outside of school I have no one, my mother perhaps, but she’s half a world away and my brother and I aren’t exactly close.

I can’t end my life for multiple reasons, but it’s incredibly tempting.

I’ve tried therapy, wasn’t exactly for me, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try again.

stop.
I'm not going to go into your circles again and again.

Organize a list of incidents that traumatized you, including your nights with Gaddafi. Make a simple list.
Find a therapist that you like, I can tell you that men are better than women, expect to visit at least twice a month for about 2 years.

Then in 2020 come back and tell me how you feel.

You can do this!

There would be so many more complex emotions in this.
I would wait until you are healthy to try to rekindle with family, otherwise it turns into a blame game and it could be devastating.

Therapy. You'll be ok. Set realistic goals for yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can do this!

Oh...ok.

Mm, I’ll try.

You did well in opening up. I'm proud of you!
You took the first step. You want to heal!

Sometimes in life we are dealt crappy hands. Many times in life we think we are stuck with crappy hands. Fortunately you have a good career and money. Use those resources for you, and remember they were not given to you, you earned and struggled for all you have!

I promise that once you find your center, your soul, that everything will make sense and you will have peace.

Maybe, though I have a sense of peace now. I’ve accepted where I am. I’m ok with it.

bargaining. again.
break the cycle.
you can.

maybe if I just accept where I am it will be ok. but I'm lying and I don't have inner peace... next day, wash, rinse, repeat... living in the past. (that's bargaining)

take the steps... forward.

Last Edited by Agent 99 on 10/07/2018 06:47 AM

stages of grief...

Denial, anger, bargaining will repeat again and again. This is normal, and most human brains get into this, especially with Delta, Gamma wave behavior.

Depression ventures into Alpha and Beta waves. A place the brain is at rest and usually healthy, unless there is trauma and these waves are disrupted.

See, trauma affects us physically, and those brain chemicals keep us in an environment because trauma is meant to kill but it doesn't. So as victims of trauma the body is responding to being killed over and over.

So the solution is to find the triggers, calm the triggers, move the triggers to other places in our bodies and flush the toxin out.

That's the stages of grief described physiologically. There are many other ways to describe grief and this is an individual process.

So now you have resources and tools... you're welcome.

To what? I have nothing.

Thanks.

good, dive into the depression of nothing. it's a deep pool and you can probably swim, find out.

(I'm not suggesting suicide, if you are suicidal call the hotline. 1-800-273-8255)

I'm saying that it's ok to explore your sorrow.

Last Edited by Agent 99 on 10/07/2018 07:06 AM

I know it inside and out. I look into it and it looks back.

oh dive in. but with a therapist who is there with a life jacket.

And if I’d rather drown?

I’m tired of living, tired of secrets, tired of yearning to be with someone who I could easily be with in death if not life. All this talk of happiness and recovery, it’s pointless. I can’t make the decision to end my own life, but at some point I’ll go to Libya, after my mother passes, when I retire. I want to die there. I’ll just go out in the desert and die. It’s what should have happened to me anyway. He’s gone and I’m still here.

If anything this life had taught me I’m easily replaceable, me being here and alive has no greater impact on the world than if I were gone. I’ve been to therapy, tried medications, nothing works. Some people don’t get happy endings. 45 years old, half my life behind me. I can’t imagine another 45 ahead of me, nor do I want to.

Edit ~ Yes I’m stubborn, no I don’t wallow in self pity. It’s all very matter of fact. I feel emotionally detached from it at times even. I don’t seek pity, I just interpret life how it comes at me.

Last Edited by anna gaddafi on 10/07/2018 09:22 AM

yeah, I know, you are scared to be depressed. it's ok.
death isn't the result of depression. silly.

make an appointment on Monday to work this out with a therapist. look one up today and write down the phone number to call first thing.

it's ok. you'll be ok.

dedicate the next 2 years to getting healthy, I promise it will be worth it. this whole thing is crippling you.

LIES, you mention 1988 and the "air raids" those occurred in 1986

people have their own truths.
relax Francis, right-fighter.

OP, I honestly think the major cause of your suffering is being removed for your peer group, not being able to have either male or female friends, due to your father's lifestyle and control over you, as well as his extreme physical and emotional violence and mood swings.

Obviously the 1st man in your life who appeared to be kind to you and a good listener was going to fulfill a savior role.

I don't have much confidence in therapists. Most think that being a sounding board is sufficient. Better to go to the library or online and start reading books from other survivors of abuse who came from very dysfunctional families IMHO.

I didn't believe in therapy either, before I went to therapy. And I"m glad I did. Because building a support group takes time and effort so all the help you can get is out there, then you pick and choose. There is no commitment it's a service to use.

Finding the right therapist requires some homework. Trying a variety is also a good experience to know the games they play.

A few basics in therapy:
1. 12 steps is a common easy program to follow and fits most situations where "life is in chaos".
2. Maslow's Hierarchy, stages of development we miss because of … situations.
3. journaling, I do mine on canvasses and make them a flow chart of my life and feelings.
4. feedback, from therapy. you talk, they listen. you talk, and talk and talk more until you are ready to heal.
5. support groups, survivors, like NotStarvingActress said, lots of reading.
6. tea. rituals of healthy recovery
7. you are not alone, find others, friends, people who have shared the same experience.
8. dedicate the rest of your life to healing and not living in the past. (this is part of 12 steps also, living in the present)
9. what ever else makes you feel good and not attached to your trauma. that means giving up Gaddafi also.

We know.

Ana, What might help you more than therapy is to find a cause in which you can take a very active role, so that you can once again feel your own inner strength. Meaning volunteer with a local battered women's shelter. They'll be able to relate to your struggles to regain your self-esteem.

This is horrid.

Reading it raped me.