I had an affair with Colonel Gaddafi in the late 80s

Ok. That's interesting. I can understand this loyalty you felt when gaddafi was alive and the impediment that was to other relationships but do you think anything could have changed on a psychological level, maybe even that you're not consciously aware of, since his death?

I'm sure for years you were thinking in the back of your mind you and gaddafi had some future together so it felt like a betrayal to be with anyone else but now he's gone and you've been through the trauma of loss and all that, do you feel you can move on at all?

Alternatively, are you kind of emotionally stuck, reminiscing about the past, and haven't really processed his death and the fact whatever dreams you may have had are over? Have you been through a proper grieving process in terms of his death and the death of what you hoped to be? You can't really let thing go unless that happens.

I'm asking this stuff because your lifelong response to this whole situation is not that normal. Most people who've loved and lost someone can move on and form new meaningful romantic relationships, especially when they're relative young, as you are. It kinda seems like you have a psychological block preventing you moving on and keeping you stuck in a pretty lonely existence.

I'm just throwing stuff out there. Just hypothesizing. Tell me what you think.

Last Edited by Drubble on 10/06/2018 01:06 AM

I just read through this thread. I thought it was a joke, but... that is an amazing story.

God love you, girl.

Thank you, you’re very kind. <3

I’m sorry, I drifted off.

I don’t know if I can give a truly honest answer regarding grief, it’s complicated if anything. It’s hard enough losing someone you love, but then to see them murdered in such a violent fashion, I suppose it took a lot out of me, and then for me to learn of the other letters on top of that...Plus it’s difficult not having a grave I can go to to say goodbye. In my intellectual mind I know he’s gone, but in my heart it’s like he’s still alive, I can’t really describe it. I suppose it’s like losing my son, one moment he was alive with me, the next he was gone. I have nothing left but my memory.

In a way I feel like I should have died with Papa six (soon seven) years ago, that was where I was supposed to be, but I wasn’t. My initial reaction is to want to die, but I know I have obligations to the people around me, and Papa, to stay here. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’m some sort of cast away on the ocean, as long as Papa was alive I had a direction to orient myself toward land, now that he’s gone I’m just floating aimlessly. It would be so easy to give up and sink, but I keep swimming if only for his sake. If any of that makes a bit of sense.

I’m an anomaly, but I know there are other people like me who exist, people who have only ever loved one person. Perhaps I’m crazy, I tried to move on, it was never my choice.

Edit ~ Also 99.9% sure this has a lot to do with it. [link to en.m.wikipedia.org (secure)]

Last Edited by anna gaddafi on 10/06/2018 04:22 AM

Now you are overreaching.

You weren't sold into slavery or marriage. You were invited to a Quran Symposium and compensated for your attendance. You were invited because you were attractive and showed flattering interest in the teacher.

Keep it interesting.

According to what my father believed maybe. I kinda got a different impression a day or so in.

taking out gaddafi really pissed me off. once again, we americans (not really us, but traitors like barry and hiLIARy) take a relatively stable and wealthy land and turn it to total shit. i am sorry for you and your ordeal. thanks for sharing.

Yes, it breaks my heart to see what’s become of Papa’s country due to the greed and hatred of the powers that be. And thank you, it’s my pleasure to finally get it out there.

According to accountants and lawyers too.

Ita very shallow research to learn Libya brought escorts and models on education visas for a Quran Symposium.

Youve got a compelling story, worthy of a Navajo. It's beautiful and horrifying. Weak ineffective white American father oblivious on benzos allows his daughter to climb in bed with Moamar Ghadafi. She insists he is passionate and gentle, hints that he is sexually brutal, at least on cocaine.

Irs fascinating.

It could be an honest criticism of American white women who romanticize the last men of the burned out world. I think someone had to pull Joan Baez aside in the nineties and tell her Saddam and human rights. (She was like, "Oh."

Do you sometimes have memory lapses because of PTSD? Or feel yourself sensing and perceiving something as if you were fifteen again? There's inconsistency in your narration sometimes, incongruencies is the better word. Its curious.

You do have a haunting story.

Thank you.

Though Papa was white himself, so I don’t recognize any criticism based on race. If he had any Arab blood it was very little.

He was incredibly gentle with me, the first time I was even able to experience great pleasure. While he was on cocaine he was a bit more ‘aggressive’, but I can not complain, the next day he treated me wonderfully to try to make up for that fact. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t enjoy it.

Memory loss, no, though sometimes I have dissociative episodes. Memory is a funny thing, especially when it covers a span of over 30 years...Sometimes I feel stuck at 15, a learned helplessness if you will.

Last Edited by anna gaddafi on 10/06/2018 09:46 PM

That being said what made you think I was hinting at him being aggressive?

Edit ~ Also what’s your opinion on what Miss Cleo was saying? The stuff about how I’m ‘biologically’ Papa’s slave because he had sex with me while I was at a young age and the hormones flooded my brain and caused me to sort of ‘imprint’ on him. It’s interesting, but I’m not sure if I completely subscribe.

Last Edited by anna gaddafi on 10/06/2018 11:08 PM

Obviously not addressed to me but that makes sense to me. I wouldn't use the term slave but it's kinda appropriate on a psychological level. You became mentally enslaved due to the whole experience. Women are biologically designed to attach to a man during sex. Especially with your prior history, everything was set in place for you to emotionally latch on to the first guy that came along that made you feel safe, loved and fucked you properly.

Sex is ironically way more important to women than men. Nothing is expected of women during sex but a woman expects a whole lot from a man. If he can't perform, all attraction can be lost in an instant. It's hugely emasculating from a womans perspective. If a man can blow a woman's mind in bed, especially if they're a virgin, that is going to have a massive psychological bonding effect. It's natures way of keeping you loyal so you can raise children in a stable environment.

I also think the abusive relationship with your father plays a huge part. He failed in his duty to raise you in a loving environment so you ended up not only seeing Gaddafi as a lover but also as a father figure. That's going to massively increase the bonding effect.

This whole situation was basically a perfect storm to create this huge level of attachment. You were at the most impressionable age, with the perfect destabalised emotional history and Gaddafi did the right things to trigger the strongest bonding effect. I'm sure your subsequent bad sexual experiences only compounded the situation.

You may disagree but I believe you this whole thing is far more about you personally and your circumstances at the time than Gaddafi. Gaddafi was more incidental than anything. Also the fact you say you feel mentally stuck at 15 says a lot. This experience was such a transitional point in your life that it's seared into your psyche and you're struggling to move on.

I think you could move on if you could recreate the things that made you so happy about that time. If you found a guy that could make you feel safe and loved and fuck your brains out I expect you could love them the same way you love Gaddafi. Whether you're willing to put yourself out there and be emotionally vulnerable enough to do that is really up to you.

I don't care for the sordid sex stuff. Maybe you could do edit search of your posts for cocaine to review them.

I think what we call falling in love is largely activating a cascade of chemicals. Sex alone doesn't do it. Eye contact and intimate talk (the act of speaking ones deeper thoughts and feeling heard) activates it.

I do not know how to address the question whether it's "just" chemical. I do not know of what we refer to as psyche, spirit, mind etc exist apart from bodies made of chemicals conducting electricity or whatever we are. That's a philosophical debate for smarter people than me to have. I think we do have psyche, and mind, maybe spirit and soul. I just don't know if they exist apart from the body.

Causation gets confused. It's a bit like Southern Baptists who used to forbid dancing as it leads to sex, while everyone else knows it's sex that leads to dancing.

I do not think you were "abused" on the basis of making love with an older and very powerful man. Abuse is misuse, which implies you had some appropriate use. You were a human girl, not an object. It's objectifying to tell a human being how they are to be used (as if they were things) then tell them how to feel or how they are wrong to feel what they feel. Ir would be interesting though to start a thread making the case that the Christian converts in a place like Pakistan have Stockholm Syndrome.

That's hot

Well...you probably hit the nail on the head with this to be honest.

Though I don’t really want to move on from him. I’m happy in the fact I’ve only loved him, I’ve got my work and that gives me reward.

Well I certainly wasn’t trying to be lewd if that’s what you mean, I was just wondering what gave you that impression.

But thank you, I certainly don’t feel like a victim, and I can not look at myself as one.

What’s hot?

Curnel Sanders would taste like chicken

I’m laughing at this WAY more than I should be.

Curnel. My God.

Last Edited by anna gaddafi on 10/07/2018 05:19 AM

You don't really give that impression. You've said you life feels barren and you're always thinking about suicide. Obviously there are good aspects to you life but is that really all you ever want?

If you could flick a switch and fall madly in love with someone new and have an amazingly fulfilling life with that person are you telling me you wouldn't like that? You'd rather continue on as you are for the rest of your days in the vague hope that there's some happy afterlife?

Well, I’m not happy about the situation per se, I’m just happy in my decision to stay faithful. And yeah, I do think of it often, it seems to be an easy out.

That’s a hard question to answer. To be honest the idea of touching another man is repulsive to me, that’s why I couldn’t have sex with the second boyfriend and laid like a corpse with the third. The thought of anyone other than Papa touching me is vile. So I don’t think I can ever have another sexual partner, maybe a companion at best. And I do hope there’s an afterlife, it’s the only thing I’ve git to look forward to at this point.

Last Edited by anna gaddafi on 10/07/2018 05:34 AM

Really? The idea of being intimate with any guy is repulsive to you. You can't think of a single hunky celebrity that you wouldn't mind being ravaged by? If that's the case you're a very unique person. I don't think there are many women like you in existence. Do you not think the fact you got raped has a lot to do with that?

Also the thing about emotions is you can overcome them if you force yourself. They are only a prison if you let them be. It's how people deal with phobias etc. They push past emotional barriers. Your psyche is not some fixed thing. It is malleable and you have free will to change things, it may not be easy but it's definitely possible, otherwise we'd basically be robots with no choices.

I'm not trying to be insulting but from reading about your history you seem quite a subservient kind of person. It's like you almost want to be in a situation where you feel control has been taken out of your hands and you're just going to plod along and accept it. Kinda like staying with your abusive father for so many years when you could have left at any point.

Last Edited by Drubble on 10/07/2018 05:52 AM

1. Rapists target certain types.
2. A small act of kindness is used to imprint
3. Trauma victims "freeze" growth at the moment of impact.

Rapists look for prey they can isolate. If dad was intoxicated it was easy to snatch you away. You had no escape. Your choice to submit was your only option. You chose to submit because the other option was to be killed.

Since your rapist didn't kill you your impulses were conditioned to forgive and run back into your safety. However, that safe space was controlled by dad who violated your boundaries.

The dynamics of your dad hiding the incident in order to keep his job speaks volumes. Total violation of your human rights. But you had no other option. Again, you are not making the choices here, you are bring controlled.

At the age of 15 you were forced to give up all control to 2 men, your dad and a rapist. A child who submitted is frozen in time.

Your adult mind compensated by rationalizing and positive coping that your mother taught you. She taught unconditional love and acceptance, because that's a woman's gift to her daughter biologically. So it's natural to cling to that when in a trauma situation for survival. It's the only thing you can control.

Goodness no. I can’t even really feel pleasure unless I’m thinking of Papa to be frank. And, yes, I suppose I’m unusual in that aspect. The rape might have had something to do with it, I certainly felt ‘defiled’ afterwards. I didn’t experience any pleasure from that, just pain, I wondered what Papa would have thought about it. If I was still good enough for him.

It’s not insulting, you’re quite right. I suppose it’s learned helplessness, my whole life my father molded me to be demure and subservient, it’s my natural at this point. I bucked him as a teenager, and it didn’t go so well for me. Now I have to live with the fact that for 23 years I could have left and gone to Papa at anytime when I was on my own, but I believed and was obedient to my father.

probably not a good idea to punish a rape victim.

words of logic are helpful. and yes, she needs the shock of joy to bring her around.

So, yeah, she's repulsed by other men because she is repulsed by the rapist and doesn't know how to process those feelings. This is very common in rape victims.

Anna, there are specialists out there that deal specifically rape victims. You are not alone. You will not be in any kind of trouble to report the rape by Gaddafi. He raped lots of women.

Bless you child. You've survived alot and for a long time.

I didn’t fear for my life with Papa at all, I didn’t submit because he forced me. We eased into sex gradually, not violently with a knife against my throat. I submitted to him because I was infatuated with him, because him holding me felt wonderful, because he told me he wanted me. He gave me the option to stop, I said no. He told me there were consequences to being with him, I accepted them.

My father, on the other hand, did violate me. He violated my ability to have my child, and that, in my opinion, was more of a rape than anything Papa did.

If Gaddafi wanted you he would have had you. The complications of you being with him were his design, not yours. He chose a girl who he could dispose of. That's you.

Now to heal!

Seems to me that you have some complex issues, I can identify because my situation was similar.
1. Dad controlling
2. Mom out of the picture and not allowed to protect you.
3. rapists, multiple.
4. Stockholm, perfectly understandable.

I promise you that there is light on the other side. But I will tell you that the struggle to get there is extremely difficult. You think you fought all your life and can't do this battle. I promise you that it is worth it.

Thank you for the kind words, and yes, life’s been...an experience to say the least.

But still, he didn’t rape me, I gave to him freely and willingly. I’m not repulsed by him...I’m repulsed by everyone but.

1st person narrative.
There are other points of view that you are refusing to see.

[link to hotline.rainn.org (secure)]

800-656-HOPE (4673)

call them or chat online. they have resources.

Steps of Grief:
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Many people fear the depression and refuse to get past it so they stay in "bargaining" for many years. Round and round, pages and pages on a thread, over and over, back to denial, anger then bargaining again. and again. it's a form of negative coping and self torture and trying to exhaust oneself to heal, because sleep cures all.

The logistics of our relationship were one that he couldn’t just have someone take me away in the night like he could a Libyan girl. I was the daughter of a diplomat, I was an American. With tensions the way they were it would have been nearly impossible for him to come get me, my only option was to go to him. I tried, and failed. He continued to encourage me to do so well into my twenties apparently, though I thought he’d given up.

What is there for me now? My child is dead, my lover is dead, men repulse me, and I’m unable to have children.