Old sayings that are funny

Don't tell your grandmother how to suck eggs!!

It's all going to hell in a handbasket

I never understood a couple things about this;
1. What exactly is a handbasket? (even spellcheck freaks out about it) is that a basket you carry on your hand or one with a handle?
2. Exactly how big is this damn basket anyways?

Drier than a popcorn fart.

Nuttier than sqirrel shit.

The only good ______ is a dead ______!

If you play with fire, you'll piss the bed.

What does that have to do with the price of peas in Ethiopia?

Old man Duffy used to say; Stiffer than a preacher's dick.

When something bad happens- Lightening struck the out house.

When someone gets taken advantage of- There's an ass for every saddle.

"Pulled a Boner" Grandma used to crack us kids up with that one!

A rolling stone, is worth Two in the bush.

wait...

A bird in the hand, gathers no moss.

Someone just said this about Hillary the other day and I cracked up - you guys probably remember it:

"She looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet."

(Note: I'm not trying to make this political, I was just attempting to give credit to the guy I heard it from)

Don't get your meat where you get your money.

Jesus, Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town!

Why buy the cow when the milk is free? (sex outside of marriage)
The devil's a beatin' his wife? (raining when it' sunny outside)
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle.
Gonna knock you into the middle of next week (or next Tuesday).
Give up the ghost. (death or sleeping)
That dog won't hunt.

I wanna play

Well, I'll be dipped in shit- surprised

Your pertier than a frog hair split three ways- your cute

Fuk me runnin- surprised again

It rainin like a bull pissin on a flat rock- it's raining hard

Id split her like sweet Georgia pine- Id hit it

Shit or get off the pot- get outta my way

Roll up your sleeves, and put yer nose to the grindstone- get to work

A 5 gallon bucket of contractor fuckit.

Jesus died for our sins! Classic.

She's having a hissy fit.

I loved to hear my momma and grandma say this-
Her porch light is on but no one's home.

I'm gonna jerk a knot in you.

We always got gussied up to go on a date.

"Well, back to the salt mines."

Going back to work. Not really funny, but I'm surprised how many people have never heard it and give me a strange look or ask what it means.

"Lot's of people gonna die today that never died before"