Common core jade helm net neutrality on enelin allows Obamas acorn black panthers to force school children to watch hardcore gay porn!

It all started when our overrated adventurer, Bill Brasky, woke up in a bush. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly exasperated, Bill Brasky poked a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her vicariously jealous friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bill Brasky called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very ecstatic Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured her that most Indonesian devil cats sigh before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually scandalously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only nine days prior. It was a saucy little iPad... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Leroy Jenkins sighed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed her hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Bill Brasky took the Jap Trap, he had take at least five minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if she took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by six funny-smelling marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his live hand grenade and randomly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so she knew she was running late. With a heroic leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went explosively jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his hammock. Leroy Jenkins was relieved but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins exotically purred. With a inept push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish coke fiend in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured her. Bill Brasky took a seat not remotely close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Leroy Jenkins noticed a annoying look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been three microseconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Leroy Jenkins groped sassily in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little selfish, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make her way through the swamp behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt her love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from her injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with her iPad.

About ten hours later, Bill Brasky awoke, her love handle throbbing. It was dark and Bill Brasky did not know where she was. Deep in the uninhabited secret vineyard, Bill Brasky was excessively lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she remembered that her iPad was taken by the marmots. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a teensy marmot emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha marmot. Bill Brasky opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into Bill Brasky's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Brasky's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than eleven miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the iPad. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bill Brasky... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the iPad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

I AGREE!!!

IMPECH OBAMA!!!

ok.

Where's the outrage?!

Where is the outrage?!?!

Bump