You touch my heart deeply this morning to the point that I am in tears . I wish to God that I could just come and sit with you .
I worry about you because no one should walk this road alone .
My memories bring back how the devastating, intense, early grief from the sudden death of my child , often became physical . I felt as if my gut was full of broken glass all the time . Grief was exhausting... some days I did not want to get out of bed , forgetfulness kicked in , there are actually a couple of years of big gaps in my memory which I suspect is the brain protecting from the trauma . Concentration was gone . Life seemed surreal . I would weep so profusely to the point it could scare someone . Life lost all meaning . There was very little appetite .
Here is another resource of information about parent bereavement . [link to www.bereavedparentsusa.org]

I found that it helped tremendously to read as much as I could about what to expect and how my abnormal was " normal . "
You sound as if you prefer to be alone but I tell you that if you are ever ready , that getting together with other bereaved parents helps a great deal . Many communities have support groups for childloss . There is something about being with only those who truly know what you are going through .
One of my dearest friends today is a one that I regularly met at a monthly meeting . She is a woman who lost her son the same year and that experience forged an unbreakable bond .
Every day , I will be praying for you .