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Family member imposing on your home what to do???

 
Brandywine84
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User ID: 36020080
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09/02/2013 07:59 PM
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Family member imposing on your home what to do???
If you were lucky enough to sucker a family member into letting you move in with them so you could get back on your feet would you constantly hide in your bedroom to play CoD on your xbox, only take on a part time job, and go out a handful of times drinking in a months period and still expect to have a place to live?

I feel like such a tool thinking everyone is like me. I would never impose on someone else's family, thinking I could live there indefinitely, while eating all the ready made food in the house rather than the home cooked meals that they went out of their way to buy extra of and not come out of my room for the meals.

I would never go out repeatedly to drink and go to the movies while someone else is footing the bill for my room and board. The one time my cousin gave me money, he then turned around and stole it out of my wallet and then acted like he didnt do it. Like money just walks out of my wallet when I havent even left the house for the day...

The crappy part is he is family and I hate being the bad guy, but I also hate being walked all over and taken advantage of. I hate playing the martyr, and I also despise being lied to.

I dont know how to tell him to GTFO, nicely. He is 22 years old. I have 2 kids and we are living on a fixed income. It may be nicer than what he makes, but we havent had a 3rd child for a reason. We cant afford it!

What would you do in my situation? I'm quickly learning I cant be captain save-a-hoe. Im at the end of my rope. When he moved in he didnt have a car, and was constantly taking one of ours which left me with no vehicle to even be able to take my kids to and from school. When he had enough saved up I literally forced him to get one, which he was resentful of. WTF!? He can NOT be my basement child!
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~Saint Francis de Sales

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. ~Buddha
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:02 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Hire some dude from the bar he goes to that doesn't like him- prolly get it done for free.
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:04 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Be open and up front, use both fucked up situations to make one good one...communication is key, if this person can play games then use the right words to rationalize changes for your benefit ruler.... :)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 45543621
United States
09/02/2013 08:09 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Sit down and COMMUNICATE. You are only obligated to take care of yours (husband/children) first. Anyone else, get in line!
One-Hitter

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09/02/2013 08:22 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
poop on his pillow!!

tp
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:24 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
A friend of mine went through this. Every morning she would sit down at the breakfast table with the moocher and go circle jobs in the paper for him to get the "hint" going. If you say nothing...he thinks you're cool with it.

You need a friendly face to face meeting with him...(and your husband if possible) before dinner.

Ask him how things are going with him and find out what he wants in life and how he plans to get there...because YOU need to know how to make plans for YOUR future. Offer suggestions cause sometimes people lose sight of their goals and how to get there.

For the meeting, make a list to follow..his near future plans. What a job will pay and how he will need to budget money for bills. What he'll use for transportation. The more real he sees moving out...the more he'll know you mean business.
Brandywine84  (OP)

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09/02/2013 08:27 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Thank you for letting me vent. I needed to get it out there so I could see the situation myself. For a few weeks I was wondering if I was being unreasonable in my expectations, but now seeing it on paper (figuratively) I see than I am being a little too nice. I have thrown hints out, and have even found him the job he has now. I have gotten him to get himself a vehicle. Now I just need to give him the push to grow up and get out. I just dont know how to word it nicely. I have a habit of either being too nice, or way too firm. There is no in between when it comes to my tone of voice.
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~Saint Francis de Sales

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. ~Buddha
Anonymous Coward
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United States
09/02/2013 08:28 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Kick him out for heaven's sake - how hard can that be?

If he won't go, then wait for him to leave the house, change the locks, and put all his crap on the driveway. I think he'll get the message.
ar-15 nut

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09/02/2013 08:28 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
get offf m1lawn
A pissed off American Veteran.

A Republic. If you can keep it!
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:28 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Confront him re his behaviour and your situation. Give him a deadline to get out. 7-14 days max. Then enforce it.
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:31 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Sit down and COMMUNICATE. You are only obligated to take care of yours (husband/children) first. Anyone else, get in line!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 45543621


This absolutely! You need to make an ultimatum-- either he needs to help foot $_x__ amount of the bill per month, or else he needs to move out by _this__ date. Make sure you put your foot down!
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:32 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Time to use that firm voice.You're helping him have a life by making him grow up.
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:34 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
You did good, you helped him get a job and a car, now help him find an apartment. Help him figure out his budget and circle apartment ads within his budget or a roommate situation.
Brandywine84  (OP)

User ID: 36020080
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09/02/2013 08:42 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
You did good, you helped him get a job and a car, now help him find an apartment. Help him figure out his budget and circle apartment ads within his budget or a roommate situation.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1034800


Thank you. I know it may not mean much to others, but that just made my day. My kids are still young, so I haven't the faintest idea how to raise a fully grown man, but thats how I feel some days. I will try to sit him down tomorrow and figure this all out. he is out drinking right now, so I wont be able to do it tonight.

I know he is young and still wants to party, I remember that age. But when I was the age, I was married and had one child on the way, so I grew up a lot faster and had responsibilities. I dont begrudge him that, but I dont want to foot the bill for it either.

I have thought about taping apartment ads on his bedroom door, but I am afraid that will come across as really impersonal. I have asked my husband to sit him down for a talk with me but my husband says he is my family and I have to take care of the situation. So I have to figure it out on my own.

Last Edited by Brandywine on 09/02/2013 08:42 PM
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~Saint Francis de Sales

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. ~Buddha
Anonymous Coward
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09/02/2013 08:48 PM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Set a deadline. 30 days, 60, 90 whatever you think right. Don't leave it openended.
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:20 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
You did good, you helped him get a job and a car, now help him find an apartment. Help him figure out his budget and circle apartment ads within his budget or a roommate situation.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1034800


Thank you. I know it may not mean much to others, but that just made my day. My kids are still young, so I haven't the faintest idea how to raise a fully grown man, but thats how I feel some days. I will try to sit him down tomorrow and figure this all out. he is out drinking right now, so I wont be able to do it tonight.

I know he is young and still wants to party, I remember that age. But when I was the age, I was married and had one child on the way, so I grew up a lot faster and had responsibilities. I dont begrudge him that, but I dont want to foot the bill for it either.

I have thought about taping apartment ads on his bedroom door, but I am afraid that will come across as really impersonal. I have asked my husband to sit him down for a talk with me but my husband says he is my family and I have to take care of the situation. So I have to figure it out on my own.
 Quoting: Brandywine84


he probably considers you to be true family and feels comfortable in your home? maybe your being an asshole about it and its clear he would be better off living with real family and friends rather than a no good bitch of a cousin like you.. no you are not right by the way.. everyone has a role to play in the house and just cause its your place doesn't automatically make you righteous.. that being said let him know how you feel so he knows you are an asshole and he can move out and live with people who appreciate him for who he is..
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:27 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
It sounds to me like he is just trying to stay out of your way as much as possible. He is probably just as uncomfortable with the situation as you are. If he has dinner with you, he will have to talk to you. He's probably not too proud of himself right now.
Brandywine84  (OP)

User ID: 36020080
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09/03/2013 12:31 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
You did good, you helped him get a job and a car, now help him find an apartment. Help him figure out his budget and circle apartment ads within his budget or a roommate situation.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1034800


Thank you. I know it may not mean much to others, but that just made my day. My kids are still young, so I haven't the faintest idea how to raise a fully grown man, but thats how I feel some days. I will try to sit him down tomorrow and figure this all out. he is out drinking right now, so I wont be able to do it tonight.

I know he is young and still wants to party, I remember that age. But when I was the age, I was married and had one child on the way, so I grew up a lot faster and had responsibilities. I dont begrudge him that, but I dont want to foot the bill for it either.

I have thought about taping apartment ads on his bedroom door, but I am afraid that will come across as really impersonal. I have asked my husband to sit him down for a talk with me but my husband says he is my family and I have to take care of the situation. So I have to figure it out on my own.
 Quoting: Brandywine84


he probably considers you to be true family and feels comfortable in your home? maybe your being an asshole about it and its clear he would be better off living with real family and friends rather than a no good bitch of a cousin like you.. no you are not right by the way.. everyone has a role to play in the house and just cause its your place doesn't automatically make you righteous.. that being said let him know how you feel so he knows you are an asshole and he can move out and live with people who appreciate him for who he is..
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46216397




Wow so stealing from me, not paying any bills, not helping around the house, and rather than saving his money he would rather drink it away. And I am the bad guy? I constantly have to ask him to stop cursing in front of my children. Have bent over backwards for a guest in my home who wants to do nothing but play video games and go out drinking. But I'm a bitch? I think not. I guess the 250 I spent on gas last month alone, because he took my vehicle everyday and used half a tank a day was me being a self righteous bitch. I guess I should expect a free loader to make me go bankrupt. So sorry I offended you nameless Internet man. You don't take advantage of family. Morals buddy. Get some.
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~Saint Francis de Sales

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. ~Buddha
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 12497652
Australia
09/03/2013 12:33 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Get an Xbox and a copy of COD, then KICK HIS AZZZ ON COD!!!

THAT"LL LEARN HIM!
Anonymous Coward
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Uruguay
09/03/2013 12:43 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Lol try a full time job and a full retard abuser every night when you come home laughing at your salary and how you struggle to work and study both. Not every situation is the same. The mom that keeps me captive is always right and always gets her way and threatens and manipulates and expects me to take care of her forever and goes on and on in rants about her expectations. I'll leave one day and she won't have seen it coming. Until then, I take the max dosage you can have of an antidepressant and it's all peachy, at least I'm not crying all the time.
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:50 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
He is not taking advantage of you. YOUare allowing this behavior. He will get what he can get and he can only get it if you allow it. Don't blame him, blame yourself for putting up with it. Want change? Don't expect it to come from his corner.
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:51 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
You did good, you helped him get a job and a car, now help him find an apartment. Help him figure out his budget and circle apartment ads within his budget or a roommate situation.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1034800


Thank you. I know it may not mean much to others, but that just made my day. My kids are still young, so I haven't the faintest idea how to raise a fully grown man, but thats how I feel some days. I will try to sit him down tomorrow and figure this all out. he is out drinking right now, so I wont be able to do it tonight.

I know he is young and still wants to party, I remember that age. But when I was the age, I was married and had one child on the way, so I grew up a lot faster and had responsibilities. I dont begrudge him that, but I dont want to foot the bill for it either.

I have thought about taping apartment ads on his bedroom door, but I am afraid that will come across as really impersonal. I have asked my husband to sit him down for a talk with me but my husband says he is my family and I have to take care of the situation. So I have to figure it out on my own.
 Quoting: Brandywine84


he probably considers you to be true family and feels comfortable in your home? maybe your being an asshole about it and its clear he would be better off living with real family and friends rather than a no good bitch of a cousin like you.. no you are not right by the way.. everyone has a role to play in the house and just cause its your place doesn't automatically make you righteous.. that being said let him know how you feel so he knows you are an asshole and he can move out and live with people who appreciate him for who he is..
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46216397




Wow so stealing from me, not paying any bills, not helping around the house, and rather than saving his money he would rather drink it away. And I am the bad guy? I constantly have to ask him to stop cursing in front of my children. Have bent over backwards for a guest in my home who wants to do nothing but play video games and go out drinking. But I'm a bitch? I think not. I guess the 250 I spent on gas last month alone, because he took my vehicle everyday and used half a tank a day was me being a self righteous bitch. I guess I should expect a free loader to make me go bankrupt. So sorry I offended you nameless Internet man. You don't take advantage of family. Morals buddy. Get some.
 Quoting: Brandywine84



Immediately stop buying readymade food for him to pilfer. Keep your purse, valuables, snacks, etc. locked in your room. If he says anything about it, tell him you can no longer afford luxuries like frozen and snack food and can only afford to buy the basics because of the additional utility bills, gas, etc. and no financial contributions from him.

Tell him he is welcome to join your family at the table for basic healthy meals if he is willing to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen afterwards and willing to chip in at least xx $ to help you afford groceries.

Tell him he is putting a big strain on your budget by making no financial contributions to the household. If he plays COD on wifi, password him out or make him pay for the monthly household internet up front at least.

If you can't directly kick him out, you can at least make his stay less cushy and get him to start paying part of his way. He will quickly figure out he can find a roommate situation he can afford on his part-time job and probably will as soon as the gravy train stops running.

Is he an orphan or has he already milked his own parents, grandparents, and siblings?
Brandywine84  (OP)

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United States
09/03/2013 12:51 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Lol try a full time job and a full retard abuser every night when you come home laughing at your salary and how you struggle to work and study both. Not every situation is the same. The mom that keeps me captive is always right and always gets her way and threatens and manipulates and expects me to take care of her forever and goes on and on in rants about her expectations. I'll leave one day and she won't have seen it coming. Until then, I take the max dosage you can have of an antidepressant and it's all peachy, at least I'm not crying all the time.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46217380


Awe I am so sorry you are going through that. The only expectations I have of my cousin is the desire to want better for himself. If he was going to school, or even actively trying to better his situation I would be feeling the way I do. I am not the first family member he has done this too. I wasn't aware of his situation before, but he did this to his younger sister for six months before she lied and said she was getting evicted just to get him out. But back then he didn't even have a part time job or a car. Now hopefully he will feel a little more confident about branching out on his own.
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~Saint Francis de Sales

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. ~Buddha
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
09/03/2013 12:53 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
If you were lucky enough to sucker a family member into letting you move in with them so you could get back on your feet would you constantly hide in your bedroom to play CoD on your xbox, only take on a part time job, and go out a handful of times drinking in a months period and still expect to have a place to live?

 Quoting: Brandywine84


Well whats so abnormal about that shit?
Just because their homeless they are still trying to have a life you know?
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:54 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
poop on his pillow!!

tp
 Quoting: One-Hitter


Um..that might turn him gay..or if he IS already gay he will NEVER leave with preferential treatment like that.
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:56 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Wow so stealing from me, not paying any bills, not helping around the house, and rather than saving his money he would rather drink it away. And I am the bad guy?
 Quoting: Brandywine84


Not for the stealing from you and not paying their share of the bills and in regards to helping around the house as long as they clean up their own mess its ok.
They should be contributing some money from their part time work to the bills and some board and buy their own food etc.
You should not put up with that stuff.
Anonymous Coward
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09/03/2013 12:58 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Lol try a full time job and a full retard abuser every night when you come home laughing at your salary and how you struggle to work and study both. Not every situation is the same. The mom that keeps me captive is always right and always gets her way and threatens and manipulates and expects me to take care of her forever and goes on and on in rants about her expectations. I'll leave one day and she won't have seen it coming. Until then, I take the max dosage you can have of an antidepressant and it's all peachy, at least I'm not crying all the time.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46217380


Awe I am so sorry you are going through that. The only expectations I have of my cousin is the desire to want better for himself.
 Quoting: Brandywine84


You shouldn't be trying to force them to be someone else.
But you must set boundaries for yourself in regards to the free loading that is not right.
As long as they clean up their mess and pay their way you should just leave them be.
Brandywine84  (OP)

User ID: 36020080
United States
09/03/2013 12:59 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
...


Thank you. I know it may not mean much to others, but that just made my day. My kids are still young, so I haven't the faintest idea how to raise a fully grown man, but thats how I feel some days. I will try to sit him down tomorrow and figure this all out. he is out drinking right now, so I wont be able to do it tonight.

I know he is young and still wants to party, I remember that age. But when I was the age, I was married and had one child on the way, so I grew up a lot faster and had responsibilities. I dont begrudge him that, but I dont want to foot the bill for it either.

I have thought about taping apartment ads on his bedroom door, but I am afraid that will come across as really impersonal. I have asked my husband to sit him down for a talk with me but my husband says he is my family and I have to take care of the situation. So I have to figure it out on my own.
 Quoting: Brandywine84


he probably considers you to be true family and feels comfortable in your home? maybe your being an asshole about it and its clear he would be better off living with real family and friends rather than a no good bitch of a cousin like you.. no you are not right by the way.. everyone has a role to play in the house and just cause its your place doesn't automatically make you righteous.. that being said let him know how you feel so he knows you are an asshole and he can move out and live with people who appreciate him for who he is..
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 46216397




Wow so stealing from me, not paying any bills, not helping around the house, and rather than saving his money he would rather drink it away. And I am the bad guy? I constantly have to ask him to stop cursing in front of my children. Have bent over backwards for a guest in my home who wants to do nothing but play video games and go out drinking. But I'm a bitch? I think not. I guess the 250 I spent on gas last month alone, because he took my vehicle everyday and used half a tank a day was me being a self righteous bitch. I guess I should expect a free loader to make me go bankrupt. So sorry I offended you nameless Internet man. You don't take advantage of family. Morals buddy. Get some.
 Quoting: Brandywine84



Immediately stop buying readymade food for him to pilfer. Keep your purse, valuables, snacks, etc. locked in your room. If he says anything about it, tell him you can no longer afford luxuries like frozen and snack food and can only afford to buy the basics because of the additional utility bills, gas, etc. and no financial contributions from him.

Tell him he is welcome to join your family at the table for basic healthy meals if he is willing to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen afterwards and willing to chip in at least xx $ to help you afford groceries.

Tell him he is putting a big strain on your budget by making no financial contributions to the household. If he plays COD on wifi, password him out or make him pay for the monthly household internet up front at least.

If you can't directly kick him out, you can at least make his stay less cushy and get him to start paying part of his way. He will quickly figure out he can find a roommate situation he can afford on his part-time job and probably will as soon as the gravy train stops running.

Is he an orphan or has he already milked his own parents, grandparents, and siblings?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 32062218



He was handed a pretty hard life. His mom was pretty crappy and shoved him and his sister off on their grandma, who bless her heart, couldn't handle it all. She can't afford to take him in, and he already did this to his little sister who has 2 small kids under the age of 2 and is on govt assistance. That right there would have been a red flag to me, but I was unaware of their financial situation because she was quiet about it. My mom was the one who told me she had to lie about an eviction just to get him out.

The way he was raised is what makes me not want to kick him out. I just want him to want better for himself and actively set goals to reach. Also stop pilfering my purse, and stop cussing like a caffeine fueled teenager.
Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~Saint Francis de Sales

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear. ~Buddha
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 46059379
United States
09/03/2013 12:59 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
I have gullible family members who are married
let their kids lose life friends live with them
since they didnt want to obey their own family rules.
This is pathetic actually.

As per my family, we work for everything, pitch
in however deems necessary, no matter what, no job=
help around the damned house.

If hes 22 and still living there, needs to do
chores to pitch in with the rest of the working
family. You'd be suprise on how much this helps.
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
09/03/2013 01:00 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Open his xbox when he is not there..and wriggle one of those little trasnistors inside lose.

I had to do it once..and it worked.

They were gone in two weeks.
brado32003

User ID: 27250682
United States
09/03/2013 01:01 AM
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Re: Family member imposing on your home what to do???
Give him some goals and set him some deadlines to reach them. If they are not met, impose consequences. (Make the goals realistic lol) He'll learn.





GLP