What kind of romantic relationship would you rather be in?

I have found in my own relationships that if it begins to stagnate it seems that even though you still might love each other the universe steps in and forces change for at least one in the partnership to grow.

You cannot "change" people. You can love them for who they are and grow together, but you cannot force someone to grow with you.

IMO it comes down to looking for a partner, if you will, part of what I want out of a relationship is someone who can grow and learn and communicate with me. Sitting around bitching about the things I don't like about my significant other does me no good.

I can change me, and I want to become a more physically, mentally, spiritually healthy person, and I want to people I spend my time around to feel that way as well. Past that, everything else will fall into place.

You don't have to settle for someone that you don't like. Liking him/her as a person is very important. You can't really chalk it up to "good traits" and "bad traits". You can find someone who you love and are compatible with, and while they don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be picking them apart and using their flaws against them.

So, in short, as long as we are both working towards being our best selves, I see no reason why I should try to control, or be controlled by another person. We are all on our own journey, and sometimes we are lucky enough to find someone that is going the same direction, so to speak.

Interesting replies. Thanks! I'm staying on my path and not trying to change anyone, but it would seem the universe forced a change. Now I am missing the old and comfortable I guess :(

Shit happens.


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Doomweaver I will have to think hard about what you said about liking the person. He keeps trying to change me in mild ways, I don't do it back to him and it's making me not like him sometimes. I had such a deep love last time and was in awe of the man in most ways, as he was of me, but we were stagnant and job circumstances separated us. Now we both have new ones and I am feeling regret for the first time in life. Trying to find a positive spin or meaning to this all...

Why are you so worried about stuff like this?
The world is going it's final last days and you're worried about your love life?
Lady,please grow up! Don't always depend on a man to do things for you. Men don't have the kind of minds you read about in fairy tale books. Those days are over, long gone.
Learn to take care of yourself.

To Other people bowman, not me LOL

With pain comes growth.

The Universe takes care of people who trust it.

I am 35, everything without kids and nice boobs will do.

I dont care about relationships I just sleep with women I meet. No strings attached and my wallet is far safer.

I dont have to deal with bullshit stuff like when she is on the rag, if she has kids she needs to take care of, if my credit card is taken, if i come home trashed or work late.

I dont need that crap just a good wet, tight vag now and then.

You nailed it Jalira. It's all about the me today.

What's convenient for me?

What works for me?

How will that effect me?

Great summation.


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I don't know what would be better to focus on at the end than love. I have taken care of myself most of my life, just enjoying some deep pondering and belly button staring today, lighten up

Duh bowman! I am unashamedly selfish in regards to this stuff.

I'm sure the Eddie Bernays would be proud of you.




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Sorry, I can't answer your question op.

I am not capable of a relationship due to an abuse trauma.

Who is that? Anyways I take care of lots of people and animals and have to look out for number 1 in some aspect. Besides action and thought are separate. I will selfishly think about these things as much as I desire LOL. Im a bit burned out on giving love to the planet and manifesting ascension for us all today.

I did get at least some good feedback, thanks to people that don't need to insult others to feel good on the interwebs! Love and joy to you!

I choose neither.

I have spent most of my adult life in a relationship/marriage.

I think now is the time to grow as a person on my own. It's really quite nice.

I'm sorry I couldn't answer your question, just putting my thoughts out there.

"Edward Louis Bernays (November 22, 1891 – March 9, 1995), was an American pioneer in the field of public relations and propaganda along with Ivy Lee, referred to in his obituary as "the father of public relations".[1] Combining the ideas of Gustave Le Bon and Wilfred Trotter on crowd psychology with the psychoanalytical ideas of his uncle, Sigmund Freud.

He felt this manipulation was necessary in society, which he regarded as irrational and dangerous as a result of the 'herd instinct' that Trotter had described.[citation needed] Adam Curtis's award-winning 2002 documentary for the BBC, The Century of the Self, pinpoints Bernays as the originator of modern public relations, and Bernays was named one of the 100 most influential Americans of the 20th century by Life magazine."

[link to en.wikipedia.org]


His ideas were implemented into all corporate advertising and political gesturing throughout the past century. You can thank him mainly for the self gratification type of culture that we've evolved into.


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suck first, ask questions later

Sorry to hear that. Good vibes go to you right now

Thank you

There can certainly come a time within a relationship when quirks are revealed.

If they diminish you as an individual in any way, then it's time to consider moving on. If you are married, this becomes quite a problem.

Those quirks that are red flags include emotionally and physically abusive actions which occur both in private and in public. Even more so when the abuser later counters by using standard excuses, such as: "it was only a joke."

Good relationships are those based upon respect. They don't sweat the idiosyncracies of the other party, nor do they force you into becoming something alien to your own sense of self. Yet, you must be certain that you are not being overly sensitive towards conceived hurts, which are just normal differences. I have a friend who grew to hate her husband over things such as the cap left off the toothpaste, the toilet seat left up. She really became such a bitch on wheeels that he finally could not stand coming home. Every perceived 'offense' set her fuming the entire time he was away at work (nights) and, in retaliation she'd be ready to walk out the door the moment he came in, dumping the kids and housework on him 'to teach him a lesson.' His nature, which had once been quite mellow (he married her despite her occaisional 'pms-fueled?" outbursts) finally turned to a bit of depression, into defensive argumentation, until he literally started throwing things back at her...the romance was long gone.

Good sex with a nice looking mate is not always the best foundation for a relationship, even when that mate has other attributes that seem appealing, such as intelligence, a good job, being a church goer, or, attentiveness. It's really the demeanor of their heart and soul that matters most.

My dead husband had enough quirks to base an interesting screenplay upon. As a rule, from the moment he came home until the moment he eventually passed out, he had a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. When he cooked he used too much salt and left the kitchen a wreck (including spattered oil everywhere.) Items like credit cards and important papers (even files) would go missing when he was in the mood to tidy up. Often, when in his cups, he'd chat up old girlfriends or send them emails. And, when the amount of alchohol in his system was at particularly at toxic levels, his own personal demons would play a number on the surrounding area and/or anyone within close range...yet, he never remembered these outrageously abusive outbursts, and, all who knew and loved him came to understand that it was never personal.

I am still paying off the debts he incurred due to his extreme misunderstanding of financial matters! Yet, he had a heart of gold, valued ethical behavior, and adored me as if i was a goddess. Not a night went by that we didn't fall asleep in each others arms (at least when his demons were not out trolling!)

I have this feeling that I may never again have the pleasure of meeting someone with his sense of love and caring.

SO...if you can decide 'what's really important' (the question he asked everyone he met) you will know what your own heart considers acceptable in a relationship.

Good luck

I am leaving my husband in a few hours because of emotional and verbal abuse. It was heading towards physical abuse fast.
He took all my money. Kept me hostage at home far away from anyone.
However I've had enough. My bags are packed and I am waiting for my brother to come and get me.
My husband is very good looking has a great job we went to church on the outside everything seemed perfect.
It's only been 6 months, $10,000+ and now my tail is between my legs.
Right now I am saying never fucking again but in time I am sure that will change.

If there is a next time there are a lot of things I would do different like really get to know him. Talk to their ex if they have one. Push a few buttons to see how they react.

This was a costly mistake to say the least.

The answer to this is not one or the other...the answer is:

You and your partner must have the same *values* with regard to self-change/self-growth, and must both value these to the same extent or magnitude.

In other words...if you and your partner BOTH highly value self-growth/self-improvement (to the same degree), then you will both encourage each other with the same degree of reciprocity...it will feel good to encourage your partner, and you will also be emotionally charged by your partner's encouragement.

Likewise, if you and your partner more highly value constancy, stability, etc., then you will both be satisfied with the degree to which (of lack of degree to which) change in the other is encouraged.

It is a lack of reciprocity of value systems that creates tension within a relationship. If one values "change/growth" while the other values "stability/constancy"...there will be tension, and vice versa. This creates all kinds of resentments, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Ideally, you'd like to be equally matched with regard to where your values are placed and the extent to which that thing is valued.

Hope that made sense :P